Realistically, things are good… But oh my god… I am shattered…

The week from hell last week. The teen boy and his issues. The ex and his extreme narcissism. My health issues. Finished the week with two hours in hospital gluing Miss 9’s head together Friday night… And then Master (now) 8’s bday party for the whole class (plus extras) on Saturday.

On a good note, I now know so many kids and parents and have several confirmed and pending play dates sorted with coffee for the mums – so socially, a definite win 🙂

Results for some of the tests today…

1. Mammogram and ultrasound – nothing worrying. Seems to be a ridge (whatever that means), so keep an eye on it, but don’t worry…

2. Blood test – all good (yay!!) except iron… Which I expected. So okayish…. But need some adjustments to my diet…

3. Left with a other referral – need a pelvic X-ray – before the gyno who apparently will more than likely elect to laser my uterus… Hmmm…

4. Blood pressure – first good reading last night :))) Bad again this morning though… As dr said though, it’s all over the place and impossible at the moment with everything else going on.

5. Skin – and there’s the fall… Took a biopsy. I didn’t realise that would happen. I thought they’d look and decide to do whatever.. Later… So a chunk (or two?) out of my chest. Stitches. No beach for a couple of days 😥 Results in two weeks and stitches out… She’s pretty adamant it’s a basal cell carcinoma… So now we’ll see what the biopsy says.

So I’m shattered. I want to lie in the cold salt water, feel the sand slip between my fingers and toes, and feel everything simply wash away…. But no beach… :/

And once again, I feel alone…. Lying on the cold, hard bed, waiting for the anaesthetic to kick in… left thinking about other times I’ve taken myself off for tests and treatments… thinking of all the times I have done these things completely alone…. and actually wondering, has there ever been a time I’ve had someone come alone? The answer seems to be a no. Certainly not during my married years and certainly not since. So many tests and fears. All faced on my own. Exhaustion talking, I know… :p

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Argh! I’m in such a selfish mood of late. I want to hide on a Greek Isle. One with no internet and no phone lines. I don’t want to spend my days attached to devices to stay in touch. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want the guilt of all the people I haven’t called or visited of late. I don’t want to constantly have to upend my day and rearrange my life to accommodate the masses – the masses who don’t reciprocate, but will argue that they do. I want to laze in the sun. Feel the heat of the stone under my arms and legs. The sun seeping into my bones. I want to sleep til midday. I want people to find me if they wish. To seek me out on that sun bleached rock. Wine in one hand. Cheese in the other. And I find myself simply counting down the years….

Sand in my hair

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This is my Sunday mornings for summer… The one three hour time slot at the moment when the world simply has to stop and I can just enjoy the salt, sand, surf… and time with my children. Real time with them. Salt water cures.

Rain, rain, rain….

I’m over it. As simple as that. It’s rained every day for weeks. It’s rained a lot. The puddles have turned into small lakes. Paths have become a gymnast’s playground – or perhaps I should just focus on perfecting my balance for the summer surf?

The rain affects my mood though. I am grumpy. I am tired. I am unmotivated.

I have tickets to see Strictly Ballroom (which I know will be amazing!) in the city this afternoon… And all my mind is considering is the buses and ferry to get there in the rain… Is it worth doing my hair? What clothes do I own with fast drying power? I really don’t want to carry an umbrella….

I need sunshine. I need the warmth on my shoulders, the breeze on the nape of my neck and the salt in my mouth. I want my water in the ocean across the road, not falling endlessly from the clouds.