I’ve been so focused on letting go, I forgot that there’s always a flip side…

Cleansing my world… No longer chasing… No longer forcing… Letting those people slide from my world…

A huge thing for me… To let those ducks just… Simply… Go…

I have one more to go… Well, one main one. A toxic friendship, for want of a better word. I’ve been trying to fade the friendship, because I know she will be vindictive. She was vindictive when I thought we were close! So I’m taking the cowards way and just fading…

She’s being passive aggressive and I’m ignoring. Liking everything on my FB wall… Befriending my friends she has met and liking all their posts… Posting her own memes about friendship… About betrayal…

But I’ve been here. I’ve endured this before. From people who were far more important to me once upon a time. So, I know I can do this…

Until a thought… One of those random ones that flash through your mind when you’re tired and over it and just wish it would be over already…

I wish she would just let me go… I wish she was in that place and she could do that!

But she can’t. The memes remind me. Posted every hour reminding me she doesn’t let people go, even when they betray her…

But that wasn’t the real thought that stopped me… It was that moment, when your breath catches, as something in the world shifts… And you realise…

I’ve been so focused on letting people go, I hadn’t realised others were letting me go…

So the pieces have settled into place… and I’m not actually sure how I feel just yet… I didn’t stop and think about the flip side…

And perhaps, for every person I let go and hurt… Perhaps there is a karmic flip side… The more I hurt this one, the greater the loss for me with that one… 

Because, I’m not sure I can lose you… I’m not sure letting go of toxic people is worth it after all… Not if I’m your toxic person.. Because my life doesn’t actually work without you in it… 

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Conversation outside my motel room early this morning, amidst the rattle of suitcase wheels:

Female (adult): I’m not waking anyone up! 

Make (adult): shh!

Female: but why do you keep saying I’m waking people up?! I’m not!!

Male: okay… Shh…

Female: I don’t need to shh! I’m not waking anyone up!!!

More rattling and banging and muttering… 

Is she really that daft?! Can she truly not see that walking outside motel rooms with suitcases and talking in a loud, shrill voice will wake people up?!? 

Career change?

And so it begins… It’s been a quiet year. Change of city to live in… Change of workplace…. No change to the career though. Still, it’s been quiet….

Until today….

Can we talk to you? Please? It’s just that you are easy to talk to… We know you’ll listen… You’ll take us seriously…

And of course I do…

But it raises the question I’ve had for so long – is this really what I want to do anymore?? Yes, I’m good at it. Yes, I connect easily. But… It’s draining. Each day feels like I’ve been hit by a bus. Each moment takes so much of me. Every hour drains another day… Month… Year…. I truly don’t know if I have the energy anymore.

My father is the first to tell me this attitude is selfish. You wanted to change the world. You wanted to have an impact. You have the ability. It’s selfish of you not to stick with it and give it everything you have…

Is it? A part of me agrees…. But another part is just so exhausted…. But then, the new question is…. What will I do instead?

Lessons learnt…

I seem to struggle with this life lesson, and it seems to recur frequently… so I’m assuming that just maybe… this is the ultimate lesson of my life. Or, at least one of them….

Letting go of the people who just don’t care. Or perhaps, just not investing as much of my own energy in them.

When you tel someone you are hurting and you desperately need their support, and they turn away… it really doesn’t get more black and white than that. Yet, time and time again, when they reappear weeks or months later, I let them in again. In close. Take them back into my heart. Allow them back behind the barricades. And the cycle repeats…

This year has had some pretty solid blows though. This year has taken its toll. My energy is spent. My giving tree is almost withered. I need to save what is left for the people that matter.

Another blow this week. One of the people closest to my heart. A few months at most. We thought it was a hernia…. I can’t even process this one. This just can’t be real.

So I do not have the energy for the others in my life who disappear when my road is rocky. Always with a great excuse. Always with reminders that they love me and are there for me. But at the end of the day, the words no longer matter…. because my ears are finally deafening to the sounds and my eyes and heart are listening to the actions.