Realistically, things are good… But oh my god… I am shattered…

The week from hell last week. The teen boy and his issues. The ex and his extreme narcissism. My health issues. Finished the week with two hours in hospital gluing Miss 9’s head together Friday night… And then Master (now) 8’s bday party for the whole class (plus extras) on Saturday.

On a good note, I now know so many kids and parents and have several confirmed and pending play dates sorted with coffee for the mums – so socially, a definite win 🙂

Results for some of the tests today…

1. Mammogram and ultrasound – nothing worrying. Seems to be a ridge (whatever that means), so keep an eye on it, but don’t worry…

2. Blood test – all good (yay!!) except iron… Which I expected. So okayish…. But need some adjustments to my diet…

3. Left with a other referral – need a pelvic X-ray – before the gyno who apparently will more than likely elect to laser my uterus… Hmmm…

4. Blood pressure – first good reading last night :))) Bad again this morning though… As dr said though, it’s all over the place and impossible at the moment with everything else going on.

5. Skin – and there’s the fall… Took a biopsy. I didn’t realise that would happen. I thought they’d look and decide to do whatever.. Later… So a chunk (or two?) out of my chest. Stitches. No beach for a couple of days 😥 Results in two weeks and stitches out… She’s pretty adamant it’s a basal cell carcinoma… So now we’ll see what the biopsy says.

So I’m shattered. I want to lie in the cold salt water, feel the sand slip between my fingers and toes, and feel everything simply wash away…. But no beach… :/

And once again, I feel alone…. Lying on the cold, hard bed, waiting for the anaesthetic to kick in… left thinking about other times I’ve taken myself off for tests and treatments… thinking of all the times I have done these things completely alone…. and actually wondering, has there ever been a time I’ve had someone come alone? The answer seems to be a no. Certainly not during my married years and certainly not since. So many tests and fears. All faced on my own. Exhaustion talking, I know… :p

Advertisements

7 bullets…

I can do this. Dodge seven bullets. I can choose which bullets will hit and where… Okay, it’s actually more than seven… but we’re starting with the main ones and working from there…

First bullet. The toe is broken. Well, she’s assuming it’s broken or fractured… not much point taking an xray as there’s nothing that can be done. Frustrating. Painful. But I can take that bullet. Hit. In the leg, in fact!

Second bullet. Blood test tomorrow morning. So no food… or caffeine… Hmm… At least it will take my mind off the needle :/ I hate needles. I know… no-one likes them… but I really can’t stand them. They hurt. A lot. And I jump. So if it’s someone inexperienced, they miss… and have to do it again… :/ Blech… I actually feel like vomiting.. let’s move on… But I’ll let this bullet simply graze the skin maybe… a flesh wound. It can show anaemia. We’re expecting that. I already have that history. So I’ll take the anaemia. That’s it.

So that’s two bullets and I’m allowing both to hit. So I get to dodge the third, yes? Surely I get to dodge the next…

Third bullet will also be fired tomorrow. No point in pacing these things… Mammogram and ultrasound. Apparently this will hurt, too… but no more than childbirth… Ummm… I had caesarians… But you had labour, right?… Sure… So this is the first big bullet. Because, oh yes, there’s more than one of the big ones… But it will be nothing. A lymph node. A cyst. Something benign. I get to dodge this one, yeah?

So… the plans for study and a career change need to be put on hold. Phone calls tomorrow to do that. Lifestyle changes… they’re tangled in at least one of the next four bullets…

But… I can do this. One bullet at a time. Play the game. Perform the dance. Mind over matter. I get to choose which bullets hit and where.

Some days just suck that bit more than others…

After the weekend from hell, I was already feeling flat… I can’t get the image out of my mind… and I am exhausted. My heart feels shattered. I feel broken. Too tired to even try to put the pieces back together…

Then a check up at the doctor’s this morning… and left with 6 separate issues to face…

She told me to find something pleasant to make me feel better…

So I sat on the beach and just cried…

and cried…

and I still have more tears…

Oh, there’s a seventh issue I’m currently ignoring.. lucky number?