You’re not yourself when you’re hungry…

I’m not myself. Haven’t been for a few months now. Ask anyone…

Or maybe…

This is me now. 

You can’t keep breaking me and expecting me to put the pieces back the same way. You can’t keep abandoning me and expecting me to still be waiting. You can’t keep chipping and chipping… and expecting me to be your constant. 

This is who I am now. I put the pieces back this way. Walls with no windows. I’m happy to dine alone…

So many quotes… but people only hear the ones that resonate in their own heart. They can’t hear the words that shattered me one time too many and they can’t hear the words that built my new fortress. 

I want to rail at them. I want the melodrama. To somehow get them to hear… 

You broke me. You abandoned me. You watched me fall. Don’t you dare complain now that I’ve changed. 

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alice

I’ve loved this quote since I can remember… it just sums up my days so well at times 🙂

I knew who I was yesterday. I knew the path I was on and the vague direction I was heading… but three simple conversations, a text message and an overheard plan… and a new path has appeared to the right…

Three conversations. All about the other person. One has finally left his unhappy marriage, one is not coping with the twists of life, and one has just had his heart broken…

A text message, or lack thereof… one of those ones that just seems to clarify you’re making the same mistakes….

An overheard plan – hatched by my two munchkins… They’d asked if this course was possible and I said – sure, but your father will object…. and suddenly, they are chatting to each other and their friends, working out how to make this a reality…

And suddenly… I find my world is tilted yet again and that path I was on no longer holds appeal… I find myself physically leaning to the right as these thoughts swirl… towards that new path…

I need silence and I need words…

I’ve been so focused on letting go, I forgot that there’s always a flip side…

Cleansing my world… No longer chasing… No longer forcing… Letting those people slide from my world…

A huge thing for me… To let those ducks just… Simply… Go…

I have one more to go… Well, one main one. A toxic friendship, for want of a better word. I’ve been trying to fade the friendship, because I know she will be vindictive. She was vindictive when I thought we were close! So I’m taking the cowards way and just fading…

She’s being passive aggressive and I’m ignoring. Liking everything on my FB wall… Befriending my friends she has met and liking all their posts… Posting her own memes about friendship… About betrayal…

But I’ve been here. I’ve endured this before. From people who were far more important to me once upon a time. So, I know I can do this…

Until a thought… One of those random ones that flash through your mind when you’re tired and over it and just wish it would be over already…

I wish she would just let me go… I wish she was in that place and she could do that!

But she can’t. The memes remind me. Posted every hour reminding me she doesn’t let people go, even when they betray her…

But that wasn’t the real thought that stopped me… It was that moment, when your breath catches, as something in the world shifts… And you realise…

I’ve been so focused on letting people go, I hadn’t realised others were letting me go…

So the pieces have settled into place… and I’m not actually sure how I feel just yet… I didn’t stop and think about the flip side…

And perhaps, for every person I let go and hurt… Perhaps there is a karmic flip side… The more I hurt this one, the greater the loss for me with that one… 

Because, I’m not sure I can lose you… I’m not sure letting go of toxic people is worth it after all… Not if I’m your toxic person.. Because my life doesn’t actually work without you in it… 

Phase….?

I’m not sure what phase I am up to… I just know that this is a big one. And I’m freaking out…

So far, the opinions have been varied, and not what I expected. Fear, jealousy, resentment? Emotions I hadn’t counted on. Support – grudging… Minimal excitement and happiness…

When do we finally reach the stage where we stop letting people control us, control our emotions? When do we stop being scared of what others will think, say, do?

Mostly, I’m there… I don’t really care about the opinions of others… but sometimes…

There is one difference though. I’m waiting ’til he’s overseas. He leaves tomorrow. A month OS for him to simmer and stew, for him to calm down. I’m terrified he will hear about it before then. I can’t face confrontation any more. I can’t deal with anger and frustration and fury. Twenty-four hours… and counting.

My thoughts are jumbling. Staccato on the walls of my skull. My fingers, my feet, drumming… There is no rhythm, no melody, no harmony… just jagged, jittering thoughts. Feelings. Fear.

If I make it through this one though, if I come out the other side unscathed? Realistically, is that even possible? If I make it through, then… then.

kkkand I’ve changed even more since last week….

Do not assume you know me, or know anything about my thoughts, if you have not spoken to me in days. Since this morning, I have lived a thousand lives, thought a thousand dreams.

The message I sent you last week is no longer relevant. The hopes and dreams I shared a month ago have changed.

There is a photo taken of me years ago. I am turned away from the camera, but smiling back over my shoulder. At a dance. I like the photo for a dozen reasons, but one of them is it’s an ego boost. I was blonde at the time. An age when I would reinvent myself every other week, or sometimes every other day. I knew who I was this morning…

You can see my back. I was fit. Muscle definition. This was before I really began hitting the gym. Hours each day. I’d wake at night and jump on the exercise bike for an hour or two to quell the twitch in my legs and my need for adrenaline. Gym Junkie. Literally.

Months later, my life fell apart in a pretty big way. A friend once pointed out that the muscle definition in my back had become so pronounced that you could actually see the knots. My back had become laced with lumps – gnarled with tension and memories…

Today, if my back had some of that definition, it would look the same. The steady demise of my body is taking it’s toll. My back is so stiff and sore I can barely lift my arms at all. My head turns slightly and my neck twinges. My back creaks and groans. My ankle has passed the tennis ball sized swelling, to now include the instep – my foot starting to twist under and becoming almost impossible to walk. The list goes on… And I still need to deal with the bits of me that need to be sliced away…

I am not getting old. I refuse to admit that. Although, for some reason, people have felt the need to tell me I look old. I look haggard. It was initially said with venom, but then I turned it into a joke… or so I thought… to lesson the sting… wrongly assuming friends would tell me all was fine… but instead, they stay resolute… silent… refusing to partake of the conversation… or telling me that I look old and haggard because I don’t sleep enough… Wow… Note to self: don’t go looking to your friends if you want to feel good about yourself…

But I am falling apart. I am sleeping an average of 2 – 3 hours a night… and this obviously can’t continue. I am falling apart.

So, that is goal number one with my new found freedom – because, yes, I do actually believe that cutting out one job, but keeping the other and taking on more, will somehow create more hours in my day… but my goal, is to stop myself from falling apart quite so fast… But in that lies the fear…. because once I start to focus on myself, on healing, on happiness…. I fear I will leave the past behind… and I fear I will actually walk away from it all, once and for all…. and that… terrifies the hell out of me.

rrThis is actually the reverse of my motivation, but I’m too lazy to create my own meme tonight…

No reason to go is not a good enough reason to stay.

As simple as that. Why stay in something just because you can’t define the reason to leave?

I quit my job this week. Not just my job, but my career. 18 years. Wrote the resignation. Pressed send. Done.

I have no real reason. On paper, it’s a great job with great people. In reality, my passion died a long time ago. I’ve tried to rekindle it, but it’s gone…

I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. I don’t do things by halves. They offered to let me take leave… see how I feel… take some time… reassess…. But what it the point? I’m done.

I have no clear path to follow. No guaranteed job to pay the bills. But, I do have some savings and I do have some options, and somehow… I’m certain… it will all work out…

ccEveryone loves these memes! Chase your dreams. Take the leap. Have faith. Follow your heart. Everyone loves them…

But…

When you quit your job… people aren’t so certain they actually want you to DO it…. Maybe chase those dreams a little later… Maybe take a small step rather than an entire leap….

You have children…

You have bills….

You just quit a perfectly good full time job…

In a time when the economy is uncertain…

and jobs are scarce…..

and the cost of living is insane….

what the f@#$ were you thinking?

But…

I

am

happy

So it seems that people don’t actually want you to DO anything. We’re all meant to moan and dream and wish… but not actually DO.

I have had one heartfelt excited response. One person who has said – wow! So happy and excited for you! So incredibly stunned you have actually done it… but so incredibly wow and excited! – and that was from the person I expected to react the least… I didn’t expect the stunned silence.. the quiet recriminations… the subtle questioning of my mental health… or the blatant attempts to change my mind.

Because…. I… am… happy….