Realistically, things are good… But oh my god… I am shattered…

The week from hell last week. The teen boy and his issues. The ex and his extreme narcissism. My health issues. Finished the week with two hours in hospital gluing Miss 9’s head together Friday night… And then Master (now) 8’s bday party for the whole class (plus extras) on Saturday.

On a good note, I now know so many kids and parents and have several confirmed and pending play dates sorted with coffee for the mums – so socially, a definite win 🙂

Results for some of the tests today…

1. Mammogram and ultrasound – nothing worrying. Seems to be a ridge (whatever that means), so keep an eye on it, but don’t worry…

2. Blood test – all good (yay!!) except iron… Which I expected. So okayish…. But need some adjustments to my diet…

3. Left with a other referral – need a pelvic X-ray – before the gyno who apparently will more than likely elect to laser my uterus… Hmmm…

4. Blood pressure – first good reading last night :))) Bad again this morning though… As dr said though, it’s all over the place and impossible at the moment with everything else going on.

5. Skin – and there’s the fall… Took a biopsy. I didn’t realise that would happen. I thought they’d look and decide to do whatever.. Later… So a chunk (or two?) out of my chest. Stitches. No beach for a couple of days 😥 Results in two weeks and stitches out… She’s pretty adamant it’s a basal cell carcinoma… So now we’ll see what the biopsy says.

So I’m shattered. I want to lie in the cold salt water, feel the sand slip between my fingers and toes, and feel everything simply wash away…. But no beach… :/

And once again, I feel alone…. Lying on the cold, hard bed, waiting for the anaesthetic to kick in… left thinking about other times I’ve taken myself off for tests and treatments… thinking of all the times I have done these things completely alone…. and actually wondering, has there ever been a time I’ve had someone come alone? The answer seems to be a no. Certainly not during my married years and certainly not since. So many tests and fears. All faced on my own. Exhaustion talking, I know… :p

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Nothing quite like your doctor muttering the words ‘carcinoma’ and ‘tumour’ to wake you from that half lived slumber most of us call life… The C words secretly terrifies me. Some days, it feels as if people are dropping like flies… I know this is a little exaggerated… but it’s how it feels at times… as if the world is somehow giving me omen after omen…. and i am not listening….

Yes, a tad melodramatic, a tad catastrophic.

My two questions.

1. If you knew the number of your days, would you live them any differently? I’ve never asked that of anyone who has answered ‘no’… until my friend was given a month to live. The C word again. She maintained, for the two months she was granted, an absolute belief that she had done everything she had wanted to in life and there was nothing more she wanted, other than to have more time to watch her young grandchildren grow. I’ve never met anyone else who could claim that.

2. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. What should you be doing? What could you be doing? And… if there were no obstacles, what would you be doing? The last one is the real curve ball. Most of us suddenly realise we are so far from the path…

But I’ve been working towards that path in recent months… I think…

So why am I holding back? Fear of failure? Or fear of success? I’m pretty sure it’s the latter…. Yet, with all the signs saying to me that life is so very, very fragile, why am I still dithering?