Christmas! I miss child 2…

This is the first christmas I have not had all four under my roof when we wake… And even though I knew it would happen one day, I didn’t expect it so soon… It’s hard enough not having him here… But he won’t speak to me either… He’s blocked me on all social media and on his phone… So it will be an entire Xmas day without him… An entire festive season without hearing his voice or seeing his fleeting smile…

And once again I am feeling sorry for myself… Because not one person has sent a message to offer me strength and love… Because they don’t get it… They see the destruction and harm, the hurt he has caused… But they don’t understand the hurt and scared and incredibly angry child that is within… And they don’t understand that this is MY little boy… Not just some kid you hear about… This one is MINE… And I can’t find the words… Or perhaps I just don’t want to write them down and make them real… But he is mine… And he is not here… And  my heart just keeps shattering a little bit more each day… And no one seems to actually get that… Or they just don’t want to know…

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Missing them

More dreams…. More tears….

I was asked the other day if I missed the kids when they are with their dad. It’s become easier as the year has gone along – probably because it doesn’t happen often.

So do I miss them? Absolutely. They don’t talk to me when they are with their father. They are busy with the girls – their new step sisters. And seeing their big brother – he’s at boarding school, but is there when they visit. They love the noise and the mayhem.

But I don’t miss them as intensely as I did a year ago. Time? Or maybe just that I have them all the time, so the odd weekends without are a little more pleasant.

I’ll have 6 sleeps from Boxing Day to New Year’s Day. Six sleeps with no kids. They are all going – this never happens. It’s an enormous family Christmas with cousins and grandparents, so I’m insisting they all go.

I’m not sure about that one. It’s a family time of year, so I don’t know how I will go without them. I’ll talk to them.., but not seeing them?

In my dreams last night, I was missing them… But they’d decided to not come back. Always the greatest fear. So much fun with the extended family. The tumble of extra children. They decided to stay….

One has gone, breaking my heart… I truly don’t think I can handle a second or third going. And no, Universe, that is not a challenge….