I would have loved a bottle of wine, a listening ear and a hug… But alas… That wasn’t to be found. Instead, I discovered something far more important. I remembered that I do not need anyone, and at the end of the day, that matters the most. It’s great to have people around, but I don’t need them.
Finding myself? A midlife crisis? Early menopause? I’ve been accused of all… But really, I was simply searching for the me curled up inside. The me who was lost in the maze, thinking I needed others to complete me, to make me happy, to define my world…
So, I need to thank the amazing people in my life who just have not been here when I thought I needed them. They’ve shown me that I truly can do it on my own. That I truly am strong enough. That I want people in my life, but I do not need them. Thank you each and everyone of you for helping me find my centre.
It’s taken some time to quit, but I think I may have finally managed. This is all part of my temporary falling apart, but I think this bit may actually stick.
When life is just too much. When your throat is raw from your screams, but no sound ever comes out. When you are sitting, huddled on the bathroom floor, sobbing your heart out, begging the Universe or whatever Being may exist, to please give you a break – that you cannot take any more – that this is all just too much. At that moment. That precise moment when you know there is just no way you can take another knock. When the prayers have become a mantra. That is the exact moment that there is a knock on the door or the phone rings, and you discover – yes you can. The Universe very helpfully shows you that yes, you can take so much more than that.
Four times in the last 18 months. Four times when I have truly believed that I just can’t do it anymore. Four times the Universe has shown me I am wrong.
So now, I am numb. The Universe keeps throwing punches and I have taken on the role of water a little too well. I am numb. I am absorbing the punches. They no longer truly affect me. There’s a ripple. A moment of thinking – seriously? There’s more? But that is it. I move on. The ripple stills, the surface is calm once more. Life goes on.
So I am giving up on the negativity in my life. Shutting out the negative influences. And as much as the Universe is showing me I am so much stronger than I think, it’s also just a little too negative. So I am giving up on the Universe as well.
I don’t think it’s fair to deny me the right to fall apart – just a little bit. I don’t want to unpack and stay there, but I do think I should be allowed to visit for a little while… I want to lie in my bed with a box of tissues, eating ice cream out of the tub with a spoon and watching chick flicks.
Sometimes, it’s the littlest things that become the straw. This contraption is leaking. From somewhere. My hallway is flooded. The carpet is soaked. I am washing the towels I used to soak some of the water, in hopes of finding the leak… I’ve discovered the tap washer needs replacing… But there’s another source I cannot find…
So, I’m sitting on the floor watching the washing go around, knowing I’m being ridiculous, knowing this is just a small problem, but trying very hard not to cry, because there is ALWAYS something… And I am so very tired of fixing everything all by myself.
I’m over it. As simple as that. It’s rained every day for weeks. It’s rained a lot. The puddles have turned into small lakes. Paths have become a gymnast’s playground – or perhaps I should just focus on perfecting my balance for the summer surf?
The rain affects my mood though. I am grumpy. I am tired. I am unmotivated.
I have tickets to see Strictly Ballroom (which I know will be amazing!) in the city this afternoon… And all my mind is considering is the buses and ferry to get there in the rain… Is it worth doing my hair? What clothes do I own with fast drying power? I really don’t want to carry an umbrella….
I need sunshine. I need the warmth on my shoulders, the breeze on the nape of my neck and the salt in my mouth. I want my water in the ocean across the road, not falling endlessly from the clouds.
All of my life, I have surrounded myself with people with depth… Who like to point out my flaws… Also in depth. And with love. But they are quick to list those flaws – a different one each time of course… Perhaps this is the narcissistic need I am currently accused of possessing? A need for attention, even if negative. Like the recalcitrant student in class.
I seem to give considerable time to the people who simply wish to nourish me… With their character analysis… Assassination? I seem to give far less time to those people who say – meh, we love you regardless – we all have flaws. A question of balance?