It’s funny how the universe just keeps delivering… Once you stop forcing it :p 

I find people come and go… A simple ebb and flow… And I’m enjoying the shifting sands…

There is a part of me that longs for some of the connections of my past… It’s such a deep yearning… But I let the memories slide, slipping through my fingers… 

Because my world is full… My days and nights filled with love… Threads weaving together… 

That is my zone most days… Simply living now and enjoying the amazingness life has to offer… A part of me misses the passion, but so much of me is simply enjoying peace for a while…

And I miss some of the people from my past with such passion… For such a long time, I was searching to replace those connections… Finding others to fill the gaps… But, of course, that’s not possible… And I’m okay with that… Because the people with me now create new threads to weave through my life… And whilst their colours are not always as vibrant, the sturdy fabric warms my soul… 

I don’t have the energy to be annoyed with people for too long anymore… Those that hurt me, deceive me, betray my trust… All that negativity seems to flow away so easily, too… Frayed threads… Some will mend… Some will simply taper off… Others will leave a snag… 

I am watching the fabric of my life weave around me… Twisting together threads that tangle through my fingers… Watching others entwine themselves… And the universe seems to constantly deliver the colour and texture I need each time… 

Writing through pain…

I don’t know how people live with chronic pain… Yes, I realise they don’t actually have a choice :/ but when I consider that life, I find I truly understand the need for assisted or voluntary euthanasia… 

My own pain only lasts a few days every 2-4 weeks, and hopefully, this week will be my last. Over the counter pain killers don’t work. Well, they don’t worked effectively… I don’t have the courage to not take them at all and see whether they’re having any effect…

But to live with it day after day after day…

I understand grumpy old people. 

I have very little sympathy for people, particularly my own children, whinging that they have a mozzie bite or their braces hurt… I’m not a particularly good mum this week… Or most weeks? 

Right now, I’m lying back in my bed, wondering how I used to get up and get through the day of talking to people when I felt like this… My head is pounding. It dominates everything. The slamming on the back and front of my skull… My stomach churns… My body aches… 

The doctors I have seen have said I am basically in labour – mild labour – for a couple of days each time… My uterus contracting to push out the clots because my body can’t expel the blood fast enough… Amusing when you consider I had four c-sections… God… Imagine full blown labour feeling like this?!! Not even just the pain of the contractions… But the nausea, the metallic taste in my mouth, my head pounding, muscles aching, crazy dizziness, energy almost non-existent… 

So I am existing through the pain. Answering questions through the haze. Trying not to snarl at everyone who just doesn’t move fast enough… 

And writing through it all. How do people write through the pain?!? I’ve heard for years about some of the most amazing of authors… Writing through heartbreak… Writing whilst under the influence… And writing whilst ill… I understand ill, but in pain?!? How can you think through the fog? My words jar, keeping pace with the thumping in my skull. Sentences stagger across the page, ripped apart by more cramping. Paragraphs are incoherent, keeping pace with the sluggishness and garble of my brain… How on earth do people write through pain???

Sometimes… I like to wallow… And that’s when I can’t help but think – I’d just like someone to love me more than themself for a change… How nice would that be! 

I know my mother must have once upon a time… I just don’t recall it… Ever… I don’t think my father ever has. I don’t think he’s ever placed anyone’s needs s c comforts before his own. But I’ve seen my mother with my sister and my sisters kids… So I know she kind of can… Or at least… She can fake it…
And I married my mother, or father, or both… 

So just sometimes… I want someone to love me more than themself… But not in that creepy stalkerish way… I want to love them too… And as soon as you start putting clauses in there, it seems, the whole thing becomes impossible… 

I’ve been so focused on letting go, I forgot that there’s always a flip side…

Cleansing my world… No longer chasing… No longer forcing… Letting those people slide from my world…

A huge thing for me… To let those ducks just… Simply… Go…

I have one more to go… Well, one main one. A toxic friendship, for want of a better word. I’ve been trying to fade the friendship, because I know she will be vindictive. She was vindictive when I thought we were close! So I’m taking the cowards way and just fading…

She’s being passive aggressive and I’m ignoring. Liking everything on my FB wall… Befriending my friends she has met and liking all their posts… Posting her own memes about friendship… About betrayal…

But I’ve been here. I’ve endured this before. From people who were far more important to me once upon a time. So, I know I can do this…

Until a thought… One of those random ones that flash through your mind when you’re tired and over it and just wish it would be over already…

I wish she would just let me go… I wish she was in that place and she could do that!

But she can’t. The memes remind me. Posted every hour reminding me she doesn’t let people go, even when they betray her…

But that wasn’t the real thought that stopped me… It was that moment, when your breath catches, as something in the world shifts… And you realise…

I’ve been so focused on letting people go, I hadn’t realised others were letting me go…

So the pieces have settled into place… and I’m not actually sure how I feel just yet… I didn’t stop and think about the flip side…

And perhaps, for every person I let go and hurt… Perhaps there is a karmic flip side… The more I hurt this one, the greater the loss for me with that one… 

Because, I’m not sure I can lose you… I’m not sure letting go of toxic people is worth it after all… Not if I’m your toxic person.. Because my life doesn’t actually work without you in it… 

Wrong number…

So many odd stories to share from this online dating world… but I’ve just experienced what has to be my current favourite.

Chatting to a guy for a while. Reached the point of swapping numbers. Why is it, the second we exchange numbers, the personality changes?

Soooo…. He started to be a bit needier than before… a bit more dodgy… just that feeling…

Today I receive this:

Hi Darlin… I tried to call – I just wanted to hear your voice… so sorry

I responded – oh, my son had my phone…

Him:

So so sorry…. I could get a room on Wednesday – where would be best? At ***? At *** where I work? Or mystery 4 star in city CBD? Your call baby…

Ummm…. WTF?!? Did we agree to meet? And in a hotel room? The first suggested location is the furthest point from me that is still in this city – diagonally opposite me at the north east tip….

So I asked him – do we have a date for Wednesday?

Him:

Okay… you tell me… Monday? Tuesday? Or Wednesday? Up to you baby girl… I just want time with my Princess….

Followed a few moments later by:

Oops! Sorry!

So, by now I was completely confused. I know I hadn’t agreed to meet anyone next week. There’s no way I agreed to a hotel room! Yes, I should have blocked and deleted, but I needed to work out what was going on… So I replied – I know I haven’t made plans, I have kids and besides, the ‘I’ll get a room’ line is pretty tacky and certainly not what I was expecting…

More bumbling apologies… begging… pleading forgiveness…

But I’m still engaging and trying to work out what the hell was going on…

And then it hit me…

and I asked….

Why *** for the location btw? Or did you send that to the wrong woman?

Bingo! He confessed! But naturally, the ensuing apology came with the excuse – it’s easy for you women, we men don’t have the same options….

So, another funny story. Another happy moment of realising I hadn’t wasted time actually organising to meet. I wished him well for Wednesday night and sent him on his way 😉

When I die…

bb

My 16 year old came to me yesterday, full of excitement.

Mumma! Where are all of your old diaries? Do you still have them all?

Umm… yes… bits and pieces… everywhere… Why???

You should get them together and publish them! Just think. It will be so exciting. And I want to read them. You can change everyone’s names if you want, but leave mine.

Umm… What??? Where has this come from? What are you talking about? You don’t even like reading!!

No. I was thinking. It will be so good. Brilliant. I want to read them. I want you to publish them. Just as they are. Don’t change anything at all.

….

Well… it’s an idea I suppose…. and it brings me to the quote at the top. I have always felt the need to burn those diaries one day – and there are various people who have been entrusted with this task over the years. I was contemplating entrusting this child… but it seems they may find their way to print! There is only one person I know who would burn them if I asked, without reading… and that is also the only person I wouldn’t mind reading them anyway…

But it’s an interesting thought. It’s where my head is going at the moment anyway. If people wanted me to write nice things about them, they really should have behaved better….