Made it!

Still shattered… it’s 9am Hawaiian time… yesterday… and kids haven’t yet surfaced. We’ve decided to cancel the planned tours and just hire a car and wing it. No idea why we went with tours anyway – we’re a wander the city and explore the countryside kind of tribe 🙂

So… odd start to the trip. Little things. Niggly things. 

The ex was still threatening to have us stopped at the departure gates – I was still receiving abusive, threatening texts up until the evening before. 

The princess disembarked from her cruise and headed home rather than straight to the airport. So another seat was acquired for the shuttle to the airport. 

The shuttle was late. 40 minutes late. No apology. No text. Just late. Another family on it for the same plane. The driver was insane! Scarily so. I was sitting in the front passenger seat so lucky (?) enough to experience it all first hand :/ Why drive an airport shuttle if Sydney traffic annoys you? He’d cut across traffic, drive so close to the car in front I thought we’d go over it, slam on the brakes hard, threaten the driver in front through their mirror… all with a mocking monologue about how every other driver on the road is dangerous. Won’t be recommending that company…

Airport finally. Alive. Whole. The Knight decided to make life hell for us all. Nerves. I don’t understand such deep seated anxiety and depression. I don’t understand the absolute selfishness of it. 

On the plane. I’m wedged between the selfish Knight and a big, muscly Hawaiian guy… other three in front. Staff were divine… less divine when they started serving breakfast at 4am… which was 1am Australian time… but woke everyone – less than 2 hours sleep for the night. 

Landed. All the drama about American customs – don’t smile. No sarcasm. Just nod and agree. Declare everything. Don’t joke!! Seriously, don’t joke!! … We had an awesome guy. Lots of smiles. Very patient with a mum with 4 kids in tow at 6am off a long flight. 

Hotel transfer. Driver mentions tips. Damn! Forgot about tips! No American cash… Tips are insane btw. So much money!! I don’t want anyone to do anything, but apparently that’s rude too? The Aus dollar is shockingly low right now, so everything is dear anyway… then… tips!! Omg :/ and… it feels wrong… handing someone money because they did their job? It feels arrogant… 

Hotel. Everyone is shattered. Oh… you can’t check in until 3… huh?!? We’ll take your luggage though… omg. Everyone is shattered. Kids are falling asleep on their feet. I’m not far behind them. Travel agent organised accommodation for us. Not impressed. Won’t be recommending that company either. 

Hotel staff are gorgeous. See my kids. Suggest breakfast up the road. Then back to the pool area at least. But it’s windy on the roof and cold… Princess falls asleep first. Knight not long behind. Dragon is trying… Wizard is swimming! Finally… 1pm… we check if the room is ready early… success! Message to Princess and Knight who we left sleeping at the pool 😉 into the room. Crashed. Princess and Knight finally appeared… grumbled about sharing a room… crashed 😂kids slept all afternoon and half the evening. Still sleeping now. 

So, hotel… Gorgeous people. Front desk is gorgeous. But… for the money I’ve spent on this room, seriously disappointed. The shower/bath won’t turn into a shower – will talk to them today… the blind in the bathroom won’t come down – hi neighbours! The aircon is off or Antarctic. None of the power points in the kitchen or dining areas work… Oh, and housekeeping drop by at 7:30… 

Niggly things… still awesome to be here! But niggly things…

Morning sanity…

Mumma… why does the milk smell funny?

It doesn’t…

Yes it does. Smell it. 

My nose is blocked I can’t smell. It doesn’t go off til Xmas. There’s no lumps. It’s fine. 

It smells weird… I don’t want to drink it…

Sigh… this is the child who won’t drink a glass of water if it’s sat on the table for 20 minutes… and needs a new glass every time he gets a drink… of water… 

But now I’m looking at my coffee askance.. and can’t bring myself to take another sip… 

Everybody needs good neighbours…

Why are your children at my house? They’ve been here for hours. They’re now demanding food…

Have we even met?? I had to ask their names… where they live… their parents names…

Perhaps you’ve sent out a search party and we just don’t realise… but they assure me you know they are here… 

They’re 6 and 4… again, I ask you… have we met? Do you know me? Are you simply that trusting? 

I’m seriously disliking the social side of this place… it’s great that my kids have friends at all hours… At. All. Hours. But maybe… they could all go to your place once in a while? I don’t like feeding my own kids… I have negative interest in feeding yours… and I don’t care about their life story… or their pets… or what they’re doing tomorrow. 

I want my house back. My silence. I want to be the scary neighbour that the kids hate. But they don’t take me seriously… they hang around here even when my kids go somewhere else… 

I have to send them back to you at night time… they stay for breakfast, lunch and dinner… must be awesome for your grocery bill! And you must really appreciate having no kids around all day… and yeah… I have four… so what’s a dozen more… 

But again… my memory is poor… have we met?!? 

Oh, by the way…

Chatting… random stuff… medical problems. 

Me: um… would you like me to make you an appointment? I can find a male doctor for you…

Knight: no, not for that…

Me: are you sure? You don’t need to tell me. You’re 15 now. But I can find someone and make an appointment. 

Knight: no… I don’t want an appointment for that…

My brain reeling through possible ways to convince him… and suddenly… I actually heard what he’d said. 

Me: So what do you want me to make an appointment for?

Knight: because I want to kill myself…

Me: for real? 

Knight: yeah… no? Maybe… I just don’t want to sleep. Ever. Again. 

Me: okay… but you don’t want to kill yourself?

Knight: well I do… but I really just don’t want to sleep…

And the Wizard comes in. Refuses to leave. Wants attention. The Knight refuses to talk again because he no longer is in the mood…

But I’m in the mood! I need to talk about this! 

Morning feels…

Four is too many…

The Princess is away. I hear from her at odd moments through the day and night. 

The baby Dragon is across the drive at a sleepover. They knocked on the door at 7. Who comes home from a sleepover at 7?!?

The Wizard is being his usual morning nerdy self. He’s 8. He’s cuddly. He reacts strongly to moods and stress. He started the morning with a meltdown over his big brother annoying him. He has close to zero understanding of other people’s moods… he just reacts to them. I tell him – look at my face, listen to my voice. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am angry… he laughs and continues. I hold back the tears. 

So… that’s 3. Goes without saying that I love all 4 of them. But my days are filled and I can barely breathe at times. 

Then there’s my Knight. He doesn’t sleep at night. He wakes me to tell me he can’t sleep… or because he’s on his Xbox and he’s loud… or because he’s talking to a friend at 3am and the conversation is hilarious… or because I take the Xbox controller and he can’t sleep… or because the Internet is slow and he demands to know why… all night… every night… 

His favourite saying is kms… kill myself.. I told him this morning that if he doesn’t let me sleep soon, I’m going to kill my own self. 

I feel like a new mother all over again. There’s no break. At all. I want to cry in frustration all the time. I’m exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I can’t keep up with their wants and needs and demands. The level of utter self absorption does my head in. 

The Wizard has climbed into my lap. He has no sense of personal space and boundaries. He needs and he needs now. I’m still on my first coffee and he’s asked at least 675435 questions so far. There’s no conversation. He doesn’t tell me things. He asks. Demands. Sits on me and realigns himself for his own comfort. I can’t deny him the hugs he needs. But OMFG I want the space some moments. 

The Knight has disappeared to his room. He’s tired. Am I supposed to care? I’m sure I woke neighbours at 4am when I got up for the 27th time to tell him to shut the f up… 

I remember when I thought I’d be a good parent. I hear others horrified that someone says a ‘bad’ word in front of their kids… oh honey, I say them AT mine…

Friends see the surface. You’re a single mum of four kids. You’re a great mum. 

No… come see me at 4am or 6 am or 8am… my deadly times… see me at arsenic hour or after I’ve tucked them in for the 571st time tonight and it’s nearly midnight. See me when they just won’t freaking sleep or let me sleep. When they bicker with each other or cause havoc in their own frustration. When I count yet another bruise on my thighs (9 atm) or shins (6) because they’ve left yet more crap in a walkway and I’ve tripped yet again. 

Or better yet… come take over for an hour or two… take my phone and take my kids… leave my house and leave me in peace… just an hour or two of utter silence. 

But mu-u-um…

Me: what’s the go with the screensaver?

Knight: What? It’s Alice in Wonderland licking a rabbit lollypop…

Me: Uh huh…

Knight: What do you think it means?

Me: I know what it means… I want to know what you think.

Knight: It means I want to try LSD.

Me: No.

Knight: Oh, come on!

Me: No.

Knight: Mum! Yes! And MDMA.

Me: No.

When did this become a normal conversation???

Okay… so I was being a complete bitch… but OMFG! I’ve sent him the address a dozen times. He NEVER sends the kids back with all their things. This parcel had the Wizard’s shoes and favourite shirt. It’s been circling for weeks trying to find the right address – because he also didn’t bother to write his own address in the return to sender section – ‘Oh well, he should remember his own things!’  

I’m usually far more passive these days. I try not to bite. I certainly don’t attack. It’s just not worth the fall out the kids then suffer. But my god… it’s so damned hard… and today… well… it’s been a crappy few weeks. 

He’s been quiet this week, but the two weeks before he was in fine form! Constant attacks on the older two. The Princess just looks at her phone these days and mutters – what have I done this time?!? The Knight still struggles… the attacks range from full frontal assault to subtle manipulation… two days ago, he saw his bed for sale on a buy swap sell page… those little things… the attacks on his sense of belonging…

A friend has promised to drink champagne and dance on his grave when the time finally comes! ☺️but in the mean time… it’s sucking it all down deep and doing my best to ignore the attacks and minimise the damage. Taking the higher road…