Thank god that’s done…

What a day, what a week, what a year…

One year. 

Wow. 

Pretty sure this last year screwed me over more than any of the preceding ones… and some of those ones tried damned hard!

But 2016…

I’m scrambling out the other side with far less people by my side… and not all the ones I expected. I lost more people I loved this year than all the ones before… I had my heart shattered and trampled by people I loved more than I ever thought was possible. There were moments I thought I’d never draw an unpained breath again. There were days and weeks where I couldn’t find any joy in my heart.  Far too many nights where the tunnel’s end just seemed beyond me. I look back over this year… and I can’t even find a connection to the person who entered it…

Yeah… I’ve changed. But you broke me. You hammered me time and again… but I rebuilt those damned pieces one by one. 

I’ve never been more relieved to see a year end… to feel I can breathe again… 

but it wasn’t all bad. Of course. I discovered the people who are here for me no matter what. The ones who stood by me even when I was unloveable. The ones who found they could love all the parts of me, no matter how much I rearranged those pieces. 

So…. I’m sending such a solid ‘screw you’ to 2016 and to all the people I’m leaving behind… and welcoming the year of change and rebuilding ahead, surrounded by some of the most amazing people I am so incredibly blessed to know. 

Morning sanity…

Mumma… why does the milk smell funny?

It doesn’t…

Yes it does. Smell it. 

My nose is blocked I can’t smell. It doesn’t go off til Xmas. There’s no lumps. It’s fine. 

It smells weird… I don’t want to drink it…

Sigh… this is the child who won’t drink a glass of water if it’s sat on the table for 20 minutes… and needs a new glass every time he gets a drink… of water… 

But now I’m looking at my coffee askance.. and can’t bring myself to take another sip… 

But mu-u-um…

Me: what’s the go with the screensaver?

Knight: What? It’s Alice in Wonderland licking a rabbit lollypop…

Me: Uh huh…

Knight: What do you think it means?

Me: I know what it means… I want to know what you think.

Knight: It means I want to try LSD.

Me: No.

Knight: Oh, come on!

Me: No.

Knight: Mum! Yes! And MDMA.

Me: No.

When did this become a normal conversation???

You’re not yourself when you’re hungry…

I’m not myself. Haven’t been for a few months now. Ask anyone…

Or maybe…

This is me now. 

You can’t keep breaking me and expecting me to put the pieces back the same way. You can’t keep abandoning me and expecting me to still be waiting. You can’t keep chipping and chipping… and expecting me to be your constant. 

This is who I am now. I put the pieces back this way. Walls with no windows. I’m happy to dine alone…

So many quotes… but people only hear the ones that resonate in their own heart. They can’t hear the words that shattered me one time too many and they can’t hear the words that built my new fortress. 

I want to rail at them. I want the melodrama. To somehow get them to hear… 

You broke me. You abandoned me. You watched me fall. Don’t you dare complain now that I’ve changed. 

Running to stand still…

How long do you run, before you realise that’s all you’re doing? From a place.. people…

I ran from my marriage… then my town… friends… career… family…


Somewhere in that mix… I realised I was simply standing still…

My best friend used to tell me I was running. That I’d filled my life with children, people, work, study, committees, commitments…. there was no time left for sleep.. I’d have 3 functions on in a night plus a sport to get to the next morning by 7am… 300km away… 

She could see my unhappiness… as I can see that of others now. I watch them leave – their job, their town… I watch them full those empty spaces with people and things. With exercise – the ultimate unhealthy healthy addiction…

But when do you finally stop and face it? Stand and fight? When do you find the courage to face your demons and become the dragon? 

When do you realise that the unhappiness… that deep seated unrest is right there at your feet… 


I am the dragon. I don’t slay them. But I stand and fight. I call your bluff. I see through you. And I won’t back down to appease your ego. I won’t settle for mediocre. I won’t die at 25 and be buried at 85. 

I watch and wait… I watch you run and fill and try to ignore that nagging in your soul… that discontent… filling the empty spaces and moments with noise and stuff… trying to push down that bubble of discontent… that realisation you are simply going through the motions… discontent… unhappy… settling for mediocrity… because you’re too afraid to face those demons.

I watch and wait… wondering if you’ll ever find strength. Cajonas. If you’ll ever seize your life again and live it. 

I watch and wait… and wonder if you’ve left it too late… if you’ll leave it too late… if…

Faith is a fine invention…

The last week seems to have been throwing quite a few curve balls… and I wonder what is the point, and is there a point at all…

I can’t remember ever not having some belief in… well… something. Not until the last couple of years at least. Not until my heart and faith was shredded one time too many. 

I’ve done the God thing. Believed in that one true God. Perhaps back when I still believed in one true love…

I’ve dabbled in the Celtic myths and loved  the Wiccan concepts. The romanticism of something mystical aligned with the earth itself. That one is hard to beat. 

But whilst I can’t seem to abandon all hope at all, I struggle now with any faith. The reality of science seems too strong to keep fighting. Or perhaps it’s simply that life is finally, unerringly, wearing me down. 

I don’t know what I want to believe… just that there’s… something. Something to make sense. Something worthwhile. A reason to wake up, exist and sleep. Something other than – you live, you die, that’s it. 

But why? Why do I need anything to make sense? Why do I need to have that ‘reason’? And that’s exactly it… a reason. Because I can’t actually see the point of it all without a reason. We’ve destroyed this Earth. We’re destroying what’s left. Why even bother fighting if there’s no reason? Let’s just let it all take its natural course. The earth will right itself once more. 

And so my head spins… my heart staggers… 

We found science and we lost faith… and hope… magic… that crazy belief that a miracle can happen, even when it’s completely impossible… we took away fairy tales and our belief in goblins and fairy rings… 

And we took away the reason… 

When you kick your child out of home…

Okay, maybe he didn’t kick him out if home… but…

It’s been going all week. I knew the peace couldn’t last, but this week has been crazy. I think he finally realised he’s lost control. 

The Knight tells me that his father never thought it would last… I’m confused – why wouldn’t it?? Oh… because history was rewritten. I forget this. I forget the claims that I beat my child up. That I picked him up, threw him against the wall and punched him in the face. I learnt this week that I left holes in the walls because I threw him so hard. And it was more than once… This week though, I’ve had enough, and I make it clear that the lies will stop. Or the truth will be known. 

I’m done with this week. I’m shattered. I don’t know where my kids find their strength. I’m in awe of their resilience. 

So today. I wouldn’t allow them to travel on the train for 3 and a half hours without an adult. A train with people coming and going. No adult supervision. In frustration… because I am the bad person now… I say I will drive them. A six hour round trip today. A six hour round trip to collect them on Monday. All for his family Xmas. 

The week has already been insane. The threats and accusations. The abuse. The endlessness of it and the randomness of the targets and the bullets fired. 

But today. My patience is shot. I’m a mess. I drive for 3 hours. 

And I come out of the shopping centre to this. My Knight’s belongings piled on the side of the street beside my car. 

What’s this? I thought he was keeping his room? I have nowhere to put all this stuff. He doesn’t want it in my house. My Knight tries to reason too. 

But there’s no reasoning. The room is still his room… but with none of his stuff… and he can’t actually sleep in it because it’s a guest room… so he’ll be sleeping in a tent in the backyard with the Baby Dragon and Wizard… 

I bite my tongue. Hold back the tears. My Knight is shattered. I watch his chest cave and his back bend… his shoulders slump as his heart crushes… 

The kids pile in the car and I smile. Wish them well. 

Then sit on the side of the road amongst everything and hold back the tears. 

The day hadn’t even ended. The last information I had, the Knight has ‘run away’ to his best friends house and I’m buying a train ticket for his return. The two younger are refusing to sleep in the tent alone. The eldest just shakes her head sadly and says – they’ll work it out mum… they’ll get there…

And the day goes on… the week continues… and I’m bewildered and shattered and searching for answers in all the psych books and articles at my fingertips… searching for answers as to why he does this and why I couldn’t see it for so long… because that sword cuts both ways…