My head is in a good place… but it shouldn’t be. It’s like things just keep happening… like the universe is trying to crack me… and I just am not breaking. Not going there. Not losing my flow…

But I should… these aren’t all little things… there’s some big ones…

But… I don’t know… I can’t control those things… let them go…

I feel trapped in a happy contented bubble… and I’m determined to stay here… 

But is it just the calm? 

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Let’s be real for a moment…

Thank god for this space. I know I can’t say this to anyone as they just won’t get it and they’ll judge.. :/ my mum is… difficult… we barely speak – she’s the chipping away at you, bitter and resentful at the world type… as well as being a very physically abusive mother when we were kids… she calls for the kids bdays or to tell me someone has died. I rarely take the calls. It takes me days to get over them… her partner of nearly 30 years made my life hell all through my teen years, finally beating me up one time so I moved out of home. A few months later, I was visiting and he beat me up again – in front of my mother, who took his side – telling me she’d given up her happiness and life for us kids and it was time for her to have her own. I haven’t spoken to him in years, but I’ve not quite managed to completely cut her from my life… so tonight she left a message – hi, it’s your mother, remember me? I don’t know if you care, but R died yesterday… The thing is, not only do i not care, I wish he’d suffered longer… he made my life hell. He destroyed my teen years and early 20s and even though I know my mother made her own choices, a large part of me still blames him for the damage there. But even that’s not all of it… I don’t care that she’s sad either… and a part of that resentful child is glad that she’s suffering… there’s a small part of me that feels guilty and knows I should feel bad… but I can’t even talk to that part of me as so much of that anger and resentment I thought I’d moved on from has resurfaced in that one phone call… I want them to suffer as I did. I want them to acknowledge what they did. I know they never will – and he obviously can’t anyway. So I’m suddenly facing all these old feelings that I thought I’d left behind… On a positive, I’m thinking maybe this is good – that I need to face all of this and deal with it – because I obviously haven’t… but I have no idea what to say to my mother… do I simply not call… probably the right response… at some point, we’ll talk again though for a bday or something… so maybe if enough time passes we simply won’t need to mention it… why am I feeling so bad for being so callous, after everything they have done?!? Because I tell myself that she has only ever been able to give what she has inside her to offer… and I have so much more to give and offer… so for everything she has done, am I right if I deny pretend sympathy? When I am capable of giving it… and just because she’s incapable? Two wrongs… 

A friend keeps telling me to find what I am passionate about… but the problem with this, is that he won’t seem to listen to what I tell him…

If I were to post on social media ‘What’s my #1 passion?’, 95% of people would respond with ‘reading’… because I do love reading…. but reading is an escape. Reading has always been an escape. It’s never been a passion.

So what am I passionate about? I’m passionate about life.

Apparently that doesn’t count.

Ummm… yes, it does.

Because he’s wrong. Most people aren’t passionate about life. Most people go through the motions. Most people die at 25 when they get that mortgage or find ‘the one’… when they begin to dig those pickets into the ground and to settle for the safe path that lets them simply exist…

But I want to live. I want to shout at the sky and laugh at the wind.

I have excuses not to do this of course. Four of them. Some people call them children 😉

But they are simply excuses to exist. Excuses not to take the chance and to live my life. Excuses to simply exist.

I watch so many friends, content to exist… and i wonder what it is that means I cannot. Why can’t I be happy to leave those pickets in place. To have the mortgage and the career and the 2.2 kids and the family dog…

Why do I want so much more???

Because we have one life. One. And I want to teach my kids to grab that damned bull by the horns and to ride it til you fall off. I want them to know that you do not need to follow society. To stay in the safe choices you made because you’re too damned scared to shake the shackles.

If one more person tells me they’re staying for the kids… or because their partner is a nice person… or because…

Because they are scared.

Because life is incredible and frightening and OMFG, I get it! It’s freaking hard! It freaking sucks some days. There are days when that tunnel is so damned dark that I can’t believe there will ever be an end and I’m not sure there was ever a beginning…

But then I remember something… I’ve never been afraid of the dark. And I’ve never been afraid of the storms. And I sure as hell am not afraid to live my life and to go out with a smile on my face. To be lying in that bed at 95 remembering that time when… rather than wishing about that time when…

Thank god that’s done…

What a day, what a week, what a year…

One year. 

Wow. 

Pretty sure this last year screwed me over more than any of the preceding ones… and some of those ones tried damned hard!

But 2016…

I’m scrambling out the other side with far less people by my side… and not all the ones I expected. I lost more people I loved this year than all the ones before… I had my heart shattered and trampled by people I loved more than I ever thought was possible. There were moments I thought I’d never draw an unpained breath again. There were days and weeks where I couldn’t find any joy in my heart.  Far too many nights where the tunnel’s end just seemed beyond me. I look back over this year… and I can’t even find a connection to the person who entered it…

Yeah… I’ve changed. But you broke me. You hammered me time and again… but I rebuilt those damned pieces one by one. 

I’ve never been more relieved to see a year end… to feel I can breathe again… 

but it wasn’t all bad. Of course. I discovered the people who are here for me no matter what. The ones who stood by me even when I was unloveable. The ones who found they could love all the parts of me, no matter how much I rearranged those pieces. 

So…. I’m sending such a solid ‘screw you’ to 2016 and to all the people I’m leaving behind… and welcoming the year of change and rebuilding ahead, surrounded by some of the most amazing people I am so incredibly blessed to know. 

Morning sanity…

Mumma… why does the milk smell funny?

It doesn’t…

Yes it does. Smell it. 

My nose is blocked I can’t smell. It doesn’t go off til Xmas. There’s no lumps. It’s fine. 

It smells weird… I don’t want to drink it…

Sigh… this is the child who won’t drink a glass of water if it’s sat on the table for 20 minutes… and needs a new glass every time he gets a drink… of water… 

But now I’m looking at my coffee askance.. and can’t bring myself to take another sip… 

But mu-u-um…

Me: what’s the go with the screensaver?

Knight: What? It’s Alice in Wonderland licking a rabbit lollypop…

Me: Uh huh…

Knight: What do you think it means?

Me: I know what it means… I want to know what you think.

Knight: It means I want to try LSD.

Me: No.

Knight: Oh, come on!

Me: No.

Knight: Mum! Yes! And MDMA.

Me: No.

When did this become a normal conversation???

You’re not yourself when you’re hungry…

I’m not myself. Haven’t been for a few months now. Ask anyone…

Or maybe…

This is me now. 

You can’t keep breaking me and expecting me to put the pieces back the same way. You can’t keep abandoning me and expecting me to still be waiting. You can’t keep chipping and chipping… and expecting me to be your constant. 

This is who I am now. I put the pieces back this way. Walls with no windows. I’m happy to dine alone…

So many quotes… but people only hear the ones that resonate in their own heart. They can’t hear the words that shattered me one time too many and they can’t hear the words that built my new fortress. 

I want to rail at them. I want the melodrama. To somehow get them to hear… 

You broke me. You abandoned me. You watched me fall. Don’t you dare complain now that I’ve changed.