Threads

Those pieces of you that entwine through my life and memories… it’s hard to complete unravel someone… to reach a point where those memories are all simply bitter sweet at worse… a song or a smell… a sound or a place… a phrase…

So much of me is stronger now and living now… because living in the past brings sadness and living in the future brings stress… so I live now… and I’m quite good at it… but those memories…

It’s the songs that unravel me the most… there’s nothing to compare to a long drive with the music up loud to drown out my voice… but I still find it so hard to song those words without tears…

There are far too many people who have left my path… and whilst I am in the strongest and happiest place I have ever been in life… whilst the only people I give my energy to are the ones who give positive energy in return… my god those memories can still unravel me when I least expect it…

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Christmas wish list..

and I got it… I just forgot to say which character I was meant to play…

because I’m clearly the teapot… with a lot less ‘niceness’ and a lot less patience…

There are days my wish list involves a time machine… days it involves an Alice… and others when it involves that endless credit limit so the stress of balancing it all is a little less…

My kids wishlists… the real ones, not the ones for social media… would be this:

The Princess is 18 and would like a wealthy benefactor so she will never have to work…

The Knight is 16 and would like an endless supply to any drugs he wants and for me to give him the peace to enjoy them… whilst he finds himself… so a benefactor would be on his list, too…

The Baby Dragon is 11 and currently in a mood and a half… but she just wants mum and dad back together again so she can see us both every day and we can own a house and not have to keep moving and mummy will not have to always work and always stress about rental inspections and botch neighbours and paying bills…. she knows far too much reality for an 11 year old :/

The Magician is 9 and would simply like a nice dad who is always around and wants to play with him all the time and has lots of money to buy him presents and an Xbox…

I can’t give them any of these things of course… but what’s the common theme for my cherubs?? They all want money and stuff… and security….

Yin and yang

Some days I forget the golden rule… that life has terrible moments, but these just let you appreciate the awesome ones even more 🙂 

I’m so tired of an ex who won’t disappear… who makes everything in this life about him and his needs…

I’m tired of arguing with a teen who is so vagued out on who knows what that he can’t understand the words, let alone the intent. 

I’m stressing about a child traipsing through India and Nepal with so little common sense and who tells me she’s vomiting because she drank some dodgy water…

I’m fed up with the manipulation of the ex with his children, and worried at child number 3 who still tries to mediate his crap even when he’s bullying and bombarding her and telling her he’s the only one who really loves her… 

I’m exhausted trying to reason with number 4 who needs to be reassessed as apparently I’m the only person who can’t see he is obviously on the spectrum…

I’m fed up with stressing about money and bills and just where the hell the $2k for this next assessment will come from, let alone bills, food, a child turning 16 in two days, Xmas around the corner…

I’m fed up with neighbours who pretend to be your friend but file a complaint over stupid things to your real estate… 

I’m fed up with deadlines and working for so little return and it’s still not enough…

And that’s just the last 24 hours… 

and then most of all, I’m fed up with people who claim to love me, but then attack me because I didn’t pander to their ego this time… because *I* made them feel awkward when they made comments they shouldn’t have been making. When I called them on their unfairness and asked them to respect the boundaries they themself chose… 

but my yin and my yang… the two sides of my mountain…

Because even in the chaos and the defeat of life today… I have these awesome beings who call me Mum and choose to live here… and these incredible fgiends who remind me that they love me for who I am, not for who they want me to be… and then, at the moment when I’m on the brink of just giving up, there’s a text from a rather sweet boy in my life, reminding me that life is a balance… and we need the yin to appreciate the yang… 

and that’s what I need… and where my energy resides…. with these amazing souls who love the me that is real and not the me they have created in their minds… 

My head is in a good place… but it shouldn’t be. It’s like things just keep happening… like the universe is trying to crack me… and I just am not breaking. Not going there. Not losing my flow…

But I should… these aren’t all little things… there’s some big ones…

But… I don’t know… I can’t control those things… let them go…

I feel trapped in a happy contented bubble… and I’m determined to stay here… 

But is it just the calm? 

Let’s be real for a moment…

Thank god for this space. I know I can’t say this to anyone as they just won’t get it and they’ll judge.. :/ my mum is… difficult… we barely speak – she’s the chipping away at you, bitter and resentful at the world type… as well as being a very physically abusive mother when we were kids… she calls for the kids bdays or to tell me someone has died. I rarely take the calls. It takes me days to get over them… her partner of nearly 30 years made my life hell all through my teen years, finally beating me up one time so I moved out of home. A few months later, I was visiting and he beat me up again – in front of my mother, who took his side – telling me she’d given up her happiness and life for us kids and it was time for her to have her own. I haven’t spoken to him in years, but I’ve not quite managed to completely cut her from my life… so tonight she left a message – hi, it’s your mother, remember me? I don’t know if you care, but R died yesterday… The thing is, not only do i not care, I wish he’d suffered longer… he made my life hell. He destroyed my teen years and early 20s and even though I know my mother made her own choices, a large part of me still blames him for the damage there. But even that’s not all of it… I don’t care that she’s sad either… and a part of that resentful child is glad that she’s suffering… there’s a small part of me that feels guilty and knows I should feel bad… but I can’t even talk to that part of me as so much of that anger and resentment I thought I’d moved on from has resurfaced in that one phone call… I want them to suffer as I did. I want them to acknowledge what they did. I know they never will – and he obviously can’t anyway. So I’m suddenly facing all these old feelings that I thought I’d left behind… On a positive, I’m thinking maybe this is good – that I need to face all of this and deal with it – because I obviously haven’t… but I have no idea what to say to my mother… do I simply not call… probably the right response… at some point, we’ll talk again though for a bday or something… so maybe if enough time passes we simply won’t need to mention it… why am I feeling so bad for being so callous, after everything they have done?!? Because I tell myself that she has only ever been able to give what she has inside her to offer… and I have so much more to give and offer… so for everything she has done, am I right if I deny pretend sympathy? When I am capable of giving it… and just because she’s incapable? Two wrongs… 

A friend keeps telling me to find what I am passionate about… but the problem with this, is that he won’t seem to listen to what I tell him…

If I were to post on social media ‘What’s my #1 passion?’, 95% of people would respond with ‘reading’… because I do love reading…. but reading is an escape. Reading has always been an escape. It’s never been a passion.

So what am I passionate about? I’m passionate about life.

Apparently that doesn’t count.

Ummm… yes, it does.

Because he’s wrong. Most people aren’t passionate about life. Most people go through the motions. Most people die at 25 when they get that mortgage or find ‘the one’… when they begin to dig those pickets into the ground and to settle for the safe path that lets them simply exist…

But I want to live. I want to shout at the sky and laugh at the wind.

I have excuses not to do this of course. Four of them. Some people call them children 😉

But they are simply excuses to exist. Excuses not to take the chance and to live my life. Excuses to simply exist.

I watch so many friends, content to exist… and i wonder what it is that means I cannot. Why can’t I be happy to leave those pickets in place. To have the mortgage and the career and the 2.2 kids and the family dog…

Why do I want so much more???

Because we have one life. One. And I want to teach my kids to grab that damned bull by the horns and to ride it til you fall off. I want them to know that you do not need to follow society. To stay in the safe choices you made because you’re too damned scared to shake the shackles.

If one more person tells me they’re staying for the kids… or because their partner is a nice person… or because…

Because they are scared.

Because life is incredible and frightening and OMFG, I get it! It’s freaking hard! It freaking sucks some days. There are days when that tunnel is so damned dark that I can’t believe there will ever be an end and I’m not sure there was ever a beginning…

But then I remember something… I’ve never been afraid of the dark. And I’ve never been afraid of the storms. And I sure as hell am not afraid to live my life and to go out with a smile on my face. To be lying in that bed at 95 remembering that time when… rather than wishing about that time when…