I don’t want your advice. Sort your own shit out.

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Fleeting…

Sigh… the brevity of my emotions at times… though passionate, they be fleeting…

an example…

Dropping in to the pharmacy to get medication – too lazy to wait for a script at the surgery, so asked for the over the counter stuff – lesser quality, but it’ll do in a pinch!

Pharmacist: you can only take this stuff for a couple of days so see your doctor if it doesn’t help.

Me: huh?!? But I’ve been on this stuff for 10 years now and I’m meant to take it every day… at double this dosage!

P: yeah, it’s diet related, you should change your diet…

me: *indignant and silent thought now* you don’t know me! You don’t know my story! You’re like… 12! You’re just out of uni! What do you know about life!

🤣 reactionary… emotional… passionate… completely irrational! And thankfully, silent 😉 because of course he knows. He’s a pharmacist!

But is he a real one? Or just the cardboard cutout version they have these days… and which uni did he go to anyway…

🤣I know I’m being irrational… I know my thoughts are pure arrogance… pure denial… because I don’t want to change my diet. I know I should. I know it would make a huge difference. But I don’t want to… and so it must be his stupidity here… because if he’s not stupid… then maybe I should change my diet…

And this is it in a nutshell. Strong emotions about stupid things. Strong emotions about important things. Irrational and irrelevant and yet, heartfelt and deep… gone in the blink of an eye when something new catches my eye…

Realistically, I’ve spent months… but let’s just go with the last few days…

thinking time… pondering and analysing… endlessly 🙄

Too many people who have blocked me from their lives… too many people who see me as toxic…

so they must be right…

or maybe not?

Because these are people who have used me. Craved my attention for months on end, demanded my unflinching support at all hours… and when I have nothing left to give, when my bucket is empty and they still try to draw from it… then they declare I have changed.

Then they block me… and it’s my fault…

But I’m not convinced. Because I’ve made myself a priority now…. and what i now see is a history of people who haven’t…

But let’s be real here… I’ve allowed it. I’ve enabled. I’ve settled for being somewhere down that list… and then I’ve resented when they’ve happily left me there.

And perhaps… therein lies the truth of the problem… because I am a priority and I am not an option… but I was…

I left my marriage shattered… with no real self esteem to speak of… and then I found myself in love with the wrong person. Not because he was a terrible person – because he was far from terrible… but he was also the wrong person. Because he couldn’t make me a priority… and it’s impossible to make yourself a priority if you allow other people to not make you one…

I needed to fall for someone who could… someone who could be there at all hours… someone I could spend my days and nights with… someone I could call or text at all hours… a doorstep I could turn up on at midnight… someone who could wake me at 3am to tell me he loved me… someone who could meet my friends and allow me to meet his…

I needed to be a priority in his life. I needed to be someone who mattered.

Because that taught me that I was worthwhile. That I was easy to love. That I was loveable.

Because when you’re a choice in someone’s life, you feel unloved… when someone can’t be there for you when your world falls apart, you feel unimportant… when someone stops talking to you whenever you argue, you feel unloveable…

and you can’t find self esteem when you’re still clinging to the love of someone who just doesn’t feel that strongly about you…

so you let go… one day… something twists…the earth tilts slightly to the left and the pieces realign… and suddenly… you see the picture you’d been missing…

You realise he hasn’t loved you for such a very long time that you can no longer remember how it felt when he did… you realise his mind and his heart are elsewhere… and what is it that actually keeps him here at times… guilt perhaps… that sense of propriety that he shouldn’t simply abandon you…. something… something keeps him here… but it isn’t love…

and you find yourself falling again… into that abyss… because you’ve been hearing these words for years.. and your self talk is strong…. you remember how unloveable you are… you remember that everyone leaves… because why would they stay… who could possibly want to be with you… and you pick the phrases from these people who leave… the words that reaffirm that it is all your fault, something you’ve done, that you haven’t tried hard enough….

Round and round…

for a little while… he’d helped you to lift out of that… gave you hope that… maybe…

But in a moment… the world tilted and you saw the truth…

That you are unloveable… that everyone leaves….

If you look for happiness in another… from another… you’ll never find it…. if you look for love from a person who can’t give it to you wholly, then you’ll never find that either…

Until one day… your world tilts another time… and you realise you’re seeking the ‘same’… and that’s impossible… so you find different… and you give it a chance…

and suddenly… you’re laughing… and you’re safe…. and he’s amazed when that laughter bubbles up and trips over your lips… that real laughter… when you are truly safe and happy… and you find comfort… and security… and for the very first time in forever…. you can be you… the real you.

What is your truth? Mine is that I am so rarely me… mine is that I have learned to be me finally…. and it’s also that far too many people don’t like it…

Because they’re still caught on the girl who jumped at shadows and who didn’t think she was loveable… and they can’t see the girl standing before them who knows she is loveable and knows she deserves to be loved wholly. And that someone who loves her will want that for her. Will see her. Will see the truth of her.

So yes… too many people have disappeared and most have taken the time to block me… so many, many people…

but I don’t think that I am toxic… I don’t think I am who they have decided I am… I think they just can’t see me clearly… don’t want to see the me before them… the one who doesn’t need them to build me up… the one who knows she is loveable… the one who no longer wants to give all my energy to telling others they are awesome when they feel down… the one who knows she deserves to be loved fully…

Will they ever return? Unlikely… a part of me wants to track them down… wants to bump into them in the street one day or in a pub… wants them to be caught by surprise so they have to actually see me… see the truth… and realise they were wrong. I am not a horrible person. I am not the toxic being they decided I was. I am not any of those things at all. I am me. Strong and weak in turn. Fierce and needy by the moment. Insanely passionate about the people and things I love or hate. I have good days and bad. I doubt myself constantly. I whiz through moments and emotions in a heartbeat. Whilst you’re still holding a grudge from that sleight of last week, I’ve already forgotten the thought I had 5 minutes ago… you can call me this evening to ask if my morning improved and I’ll need to pause to wonder what on earth you are talking about… because surely that was a month ago… I live far too often in a different time scale to others, and who I was this morning is not who I am now… you need to talk to me and engage with me and hear the actual words from my mouth and read the lines between that come from my heart…

this is me. Wildly passionate and often irrational. Disastrously spiralling in my thoughts and feelings. But this is me. The yin and the yang of my crazy, tumultuous, passion filled existence.

Take it or leave it. This is me.

And I know what I bring to the table… so trust me when I tell you I’m not afraid to dine alone… because if my table is empty, it’s because I want it to be. I have people in my life who make me feel like I am easy to love. Who check in daily. Who drop things when I’m the one who needs them. Who provide laughter and wine on a regular enough basis, but understand my need for space and solitude as well.

Yes… this is me… this is my truth… I will love the connections in my life with so much passion…. but I won’t change anymore… and I wont pretend….

so love me, or block me…. that’s your issue… because this is me… and if my truth scares you… well… that’s actually your issue… and for you to work out….

Threads… of you… and them… and then…

I am sitting here, sick, tired, grumpy, and with my heart shattered… It’s funny how it’s our children who ultimately break us… but it’s the friends and family we give our heart to that set the scene…

Am I a drama queen? Quite possibly… I don’t actually care… I am over the moments… I am so damned tired of caring and having that used against me… I am so damned fed up with trusting the words of people who tell me they love me, that they are here, that they are not leaving…

Perhaps it’s just that I am wallowing in self pity… highly likely… but it still doesn’t change the truth…

It’s probably an exaggeration to say my heart is shattered… because it’s been numbed for such a long time… too many people needing me to stand up and make the hard calls… too many people needing me to be the bad person… needing me to do the deed so they can sleep at night…

So, perhaps it’s all those things… but whatever the reason… I have no more to give…

I am sifting through the posts here… so many thoughts and moments… not all of them real and very few of them complete… but they are mine… and in the same way a song or a smell reminds you of that moment, that person, that place… my posts remind me of…

Threads that entwine the people in my life… threads that weave and fray and break…

I’ve been culling the stuff from my life… and the people have been culling themselves… I am not the person I was twenty years ago, nor the person I was yesterday… every moment weaves and frays and breaks…

and now, maybe it’s time to simply cull the years of memories, once and for all… cull every moment of these blogs, those emails, that fb… dump the last of those letters and photos…

Finally finish it all… because I don’t want any memories to remain after I am gone.