I wish I had your life…

Those words caught my attention this morning… I clearly present a good image 😏

A thousand thoughts ricocheted… which part would you like?!? The hours I spent last night sitting up with a suicidal teen? The three weeks of dealing with a nasty staph infection on a child? Perhaps it’s that my youngest wants me to spend hours sitting with him because he is ‘so lonely’, whilst telling me in detail how it’s my fault, and that he just wants a nice family? Or do you want the endless feedback loop telling me that I’m a bad person and mother… not an inner voice either, because I’m blessed with an outer one… or maybe it’s the stress of finding myself a single mother of four kids and unexpectedly unemployed? Living in one of the most expensive parts of one of the most expensive cities in the world… Oh wait, but my older two kids don’t count as dependents so it’s only two that I need to provide the basics for… which brings me back to being a bad mother who apparently doesn’t feed my kids… or perhaps it was having lunch with my mum the other day for the first time in 3 years, and now I am the only person she can tell that she’s depressed… that she doesn’t want to go on… so that makes 4 people I am close to who have confided they don’t want to live anymore… in the last two weeks…

on and on and on… that list… this year has been tough. I’d written the whole thing off as a loss by February…

but hey… I Snapchat my trek across the headland in the sunshine… I don’t mention that most of it was spent in tears or that the pounding of my feet on the ground is therapeutic… the world sees the sun and the ocean and they want my life…

Pics of my lake every day and omg how blissful is your life and how blessed are you… but I don’t mention that I’ve come out here to escape the child threatening to punch his head through a wall if I don’t listen to what he’s saying…

Walking to the Main Street along the lake, past the ducks,.. but let’s not mention it’s to escape for 10 minutes or its on the way to yet another appointment…

life seems unbearably endless this year and it’s a struggle to tell the kids it’s simply the yin and yang of a life well lived…

but those words this morning… from someone I speak to every day… because I said I was going to lunch with an old friend…

An old friend… god how I need those historical friendships when my world is struggling… I forget how important it can be to simply ‘be’… no need to explain or validate or prove…. she’s known me forever and knows that I have a brain… I chat to friends here who seem to have little faith in anything I have an opinion on – and I find myself simply going along with it… not realising how easily I slipped into the persona they have painted… until I’m with an historical friend… someone who listens to what I have learned over the last few months and validates it.. no question as to whether or not I know anything as she’s known me forever and knows that I inhale knowledge when I am interested in a topic… once it catches my interest, I have to know everything – the good and the bad… the false and the credited… I forget how amazing it feels to simply converse without having to always validate the source…

I wish I had your life… yup… it’s a tough one of late… but I’m actually glad I have mine, too…

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I don’t know how to explain the depth of this to people… that need… deep, deep in my soul… to be elsewhere… around the corner… across that horizon… somewhere…

it’s what draws me most to the ocean… what calms my soul when the world is completely wrong… that horizon… that endless blue…

It’s been such a battle getting anything to grow here… finally a few spindly (but tasty!!) treats are appearing… but omg its been a battle 🙄 A far cry from the bucket loads we used to haul in every other day 🙄

Although far too often, I just want everyone to shut the fuck up…

What is it with my kids and their need to just constantly make noise. Every single thing they do has to involve volume. Everything. It does my head in. Close a door = wtf are handles for? Play on the iPad = ensure the keyboard click is active. Sit in your room = open and close the sliding door 7000 times to see what clothes you own?? Sit in your room = turn the volume on everything to the loudest possible setting. Go to the toilet = flush the really loud toilet and leave the door open. Open the fridge = slam it shut. Walk down the steps = with tap shoes on. Omfg.

But back to the actual meme… this is very much my current feels… when I have no idea what is happening in someone’s life and they have no idea what is happening in mine… when the option of a phone call no longer exists… when you send a message or comment on a post and they either delete it (wtf?!?) or don’t reply… eventually… even I get the message loud and clear…