Super royal pita…

Yep… let’s blame the moon… it’s super… and bloody… and almost blue (technically, it’s only a blue moon if you’re in the western states because it’s not officially full until 12:30 tonight… and that’s actually the first day of feb…

Super blue blood moon… super royal pita…

Feels very much like the universe is kicking me while I’m down the last couple of days…

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I’ve been going to write you a letter for weeks now… saying I understand… offering you forgiveness if that’s what you need to hear… I keep going to put pen to paper, playing out the words in my head… moving them around to get them just right…

But then I realised… I don’t.

I understand why you did what you did. I always understand. I’m great at seeing to the heart of a situation. Of a person. I’m awesome at understanding and tolerating. People always tell me I’m too understanding… too quick to give another an excuse… and another chance…

So why haven’t I put pen to paper yet… dropped those words in a mail box…

Because I realised… I’m great at understanding… and I can tell you that. I get it. I understand. I know why you did what you did. I get it.

But…

and this is where those words fall apart…

I don’t actually forgive you. Not even a little bit.

So this got my thinking… about all the other people I’ve understood… all those moments I’ve ‘got’…

and all those times I’ve offered forgiveness… even forgiveness when no apology was given…

Forgive them, for they know not what they do…

Forgive them, even when they don’t apologise…

Forgive them, because the bitterness will eat you alive…

But suddenly… something shifted in my world… and I don’t care. I’m tired of forgiving.

You knew what you did.

You never apologised.

And I don’t forgive you.

I had a dozen good things to write today… and then the afternoon/evening just fell apart and all I want to do right now is cry… but why even bother to do that? Write it off as one of those days… one of those days when I just can’t be bothered to find the silver lining… when it all just feels so much like I’ve taken so many wrong twists and turns in this life that I’ll never find my way out of this mess… one of those days when I want to take the do over… press eject… I just want out because I’ve ducked it all up in so many ways that I don’t even want to untangle it and I sure as hell don’t want to start again… so how many days left til I call this life quits? :/

Today…

Has been tough…

I’ve really felt the aloneness today and honestly, my resilience? Faith? Self worth? Something … something deep within me has really been challenged today…

And it’s not done yet… 11pm and I’m not stupid enough to think it’s over…

At what point in my life am I going to be able to live outside the cycle???

#focusonthepositives #breathe #counttotwenty #andagain