It seems the fault is mine… I let everyone think I’m strong… and they have so much respect for that… but then I shatter that illusion and they can’t cope. 

So do I pretend to be strong? Or be weak from the start? 

This week… this year?.. I am weak… I am exhausted. I want to curl under a rock somewhere and simply sleep life away… I can’t find an out and pretend all is well just takes too much…

When I reach out… people run. Fast. 

But I just can’t do it all on my own anymore…

And noone… absolutely noone… wants to know that. 

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Made it!

Still shattered… it’s 9am Hawaiian time… yesterday… and kids haven’t yet surfaced. We’ve decided to cancel the planned tours and just hire a car and wing it. No idea why we went with tours anyway – we’re a wander the city and explore the countryside kind of tribe 🙂

So… odd start to the trip. Little things. Niggly things. 

The ex was still threatening to have us stopped at the departure gates – I was still receiving abusive, threatening texts up until the evening before. 

The princess disembarked from her cruise and headed home rather than straight to the airport. So another seat was acquired for the shuttle to the airport. 

The shuttle was late. 40 minutes late. No apology. No text. Just late. Another family on it for the same plane. The driver was insane! Scarily so. I was sitting in the front passenger seat so lucky (?) enough to experience it all first hand :/ Why drive an airport shuttle if Sydney traffic annoys you? He’d cut across traffic, drive so close to the car in front I thought we’d go over it, slam on the brakes hard, threaten the driver in front through their mirror… all with a mocking monologue about how every other driver on the road is dangerous. Won’t be recommending that company…

Airport finally. Alive. Whole. The Knight decided to make life hell for us all. Nerves. I don’t understand such deep seated anxiety and depression. I don’t understand the absolute selfishness of it. 

On the plane. I’m wedged between the selfish Knight and a big, muscly Hawaiian guy… other three in front. Staff were divine… less divine when they started serving breakfast at 4am… which was 1am Australian time… but woke everyone – less than 2 hours sleep for the night. 

Landed. All the drama about American customs – don’t smile. No sarcasm. Just nod and agree. Declare everything. Don’t joke!! Seriously, don’t joke!! … We had an awesome guy. Lots of smiles. Very patient with a mum with 4 kids in tow at 6am off a long flight. 

Hotel transfer. Driver mentions tips. Damn! Forgot about tips! No American cash… Tips are insane btw. So much money!! I don’t want anyone to do anything, but apparently that’s rude too? The Aus dollar is shockingly low right now, so everything is dear anyway… then… tips!! Omg :/ and… it feels wrong… handing someone money because they did their job? It feels arrogant… 

Hotel. Everyone is shattered. Oh… you can’t check in until 3… huh?!? We’ll take your luggage though… omg. Everyone is shattered. Kids are falling asleep on their feet. I’m not far behind them. Travel agent organised accommodation for us. Not impressed. Won’t be recommending that company either. 

Hotel staff are gorgeous. See my kids. Suggest breakfast up the road. Then back to the pool area at least. But it’s windy on the roof and cold… Princess falls asleep first. Knight not long behind. Dragon is trying… Wizard is swimming! Finally… 1pm… we check if the room is ready early… success! Message to Princess and Knight who we left sleeping at the pool 😉 into the room. Crashed. Princess and Knight finally appeared… grumbled about sharing a room… crashed 😂kids slept all afternoon and half the evening. Still sleeping now. 

So, hotel… Gorgeous people. Front desk is gorgeous. But… for the money I’ve spent on this room, seriously disappointed. The shower/bath won’t turn into a shower – will talk to them today… the blind in the bathroom won’t come down – hi neighbours! The aircon is off or Antarctic. None of the power points in the kitchen or dining areas work… Oh, and housekeeping drop by at 7:30… 

Niggly things… still awesome to be here! But niggly things…

Morning sanity…

Mumma… why does the milk smell funny?

It doesn’t…

Yes it does. Smell it. 

My nose is blocked I can’t smell. It doesn’t go off til Xmas. There’s no lumps. It’s fine. 

It smells weird… I don’t want to drink it…

Sigh… this is the child who won’t drink a glass of water if it’s sat on the table for 20 minutes… and needs a new glass every time he gets a drink… of water… 

But now I’m looking at my coffee askance.. and can’t bring myself to take another sip… 

Everybody needs good neighbours…

Why are your children at my house? They’ve been here for hours. They’re now demanding food…

Have we even met?? I had to ask their names… where they live… their parents names…

Perhaps you’ve sent out a search party and we just don’t realise… but they assure me you know they are here… 

They’re 6 and 4… again, I ask you… have we met? Do you know me? Are you simply that trusting? 

I’m seriously disliking the social side of this place… it’s great that my kids have friends at all hours… At. All. Hours. But maybe… they could all go to your place once in a while? I don’t like feeding my own kids… I have negative interest in feeding yours… and I don’t care about their life story… or their pets… or what they’re doing tomorrow. 

I want my house back. My silence. I want to be the scary neighbour that the kids hate. But they don’t take me seriously… they hang around here even when my kids go somewhere else… 

I have to send them back to you at night time… they stay for breakfast, lunch and dinner… must be awesome for your grocery bill! And you must really appreciate having no kids around all day… and yeah… I have four… so what’s a dozen more… 

But again… my memory is poor… have we met?!? 

Oh, by the way…

Chatting… random stuff… medical problems. 

Me: um… would you like me to make you an appointment? I can find a male doctor for you…

Knight: no, not for that…

Me: are you sure? You don’t need to tell me. You’re 15 now. But I can find someone and make an appointment. 

Knight: no… I don’t want an appointment for that…

My brain reeling through possible ways to convince him… and suddenly… I actually heard what he’d said. 

Me: So what do you want me to make an appointment for?

Knight: because I want to kill myself…

Me: for real? 

Knight: yeah… no? Maybe… I just don’t want to sleep. Ever. Again. 

Me: okay… but you don’t want to kill yourself?

Knight: well I do… but I really just don’t want to sleep…

And the Wizard comes in. Refuses to leave. Wants attention. The Knight refuses to talk again because he no longer is in the mood…

But I’m in the mood! I need to talk about this!