Fun police

I am shaking… I want to vomit… I’m not sure if it’s fear, anger, or a combination… probably the latter…

Just spent the last hour searching gun laws in the good old land of Oz… This should not be something i need to investigate. My 8 and 10 year old are with their dad at the moment. They’re going camping tomorrow… and daddy’s going to teach us to shoot a gun!

I’m unreasonable. It’s only a .22 (this actually means nothing to me). Besides, it’s better that they’re exposed to guns when they’re young so they can learn to use them right, rather than wait until they’re adults… WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!! I have NEVER shot a gun. I have never needed to shoot a gun. Most of my friends are in the same boat. Why the HELL would they need to learn to shoot a gun? In Australia????? FFS…

But they might want to be farmers one day…

Ummmm… Have you met your kids???

So… I feel sick…

I’ve put my foot down. Played bad mumma once again. Spoiler of fun. But I pulled out all the arsenal I do have in stock… the fact that I know he shouldn’t have a shooters license himself and that he’s renowned for not securing the guns or bullets… Apparently he does now… but he didn’t. He left loaded guns on the kitchen table with kids underfoot. I spent years fighting with him about this. Yes, yes… another ‘why the flip didn’t I leave’ story…

But I’ve spelled it out clearly. With the phone on speaker so the kids could hear how mean mummy is… They will NOT be shooting guns. They are 8 and 10. You need to be 12 to have a shooter’s permit in this state. No, you can NOT let them shoot whilst you are supervising. If they are near anyone shooting, they MUST have ear muffs on. Do NOT tell them to lie to me – they won’t – and I WILL ask them. Repeatedly. Until they tell me everything. If you get them to shoot a gun, or even to hold the gun as if they are going to shoot it, I WILL take this to court and everything will come out. You will lose your shooting license. You will lose access to your kids without supervision. This is NOT negotiable.

You heard her kids… Mummy is being the fun police as always… This is what she does… She never negotiates. It’s always HER way…

Why does this conversation even need to occur??? He’s not legally allowed to let them shoot a gun. But apparently, we all know these laws are loose guidelines….

Even better though! The 14 year old with serious mental health issues. The one who is suicidal and self harming at times. The one who has threatened to take a gun and shoot everyone before shooting himself. Numerous times. THAT one… He’s 14. He gets to shoot a gun. He gets to apply for a shooters license. Because that’s what ‘good’ parents do… they encourage their children to shoot and to obtain guns when they are not mentally in a good place… FFS…

So I’m sitting here and freaking out… freaking out that the 14 year old might choose this weekend to lose it… that the 8 year old might swing the gun around (because I guarantee it will be left lying around) and accidentally shoot someone… and I can’t shake the memories of their father threatening to shoot us all on all those occasions… Of opening the wardrobe next to my bed one morning and finding a loaded gun in there… and hearing him tell me – well aren’t you grateful that I didn’t use it on you while you were sleeping?? I thought about it… Of standing outside my car with my kids inside at the end of our road, on the phone to him, trying to assess whether this was the time I’d drive up the driveway and he’d put a bullet in my brain… reasoning with him that he couldn’t kill the kids and that he couldn’t let them live with the image of their dad shooting their mum…

When did guns come back into our lives??? I thought we’d left all that behind…

 

This week sucks…

Why? Because yesterday, my baby girl finished her last school class ever… and today, the school sent them to the zoo as a final hurrah… and tomorrow, she has her graduation ceremony and her formal… then in 3 weeks, she will start 6 exams spread over 3 weeks… and then…. I am not ready for this. I want to go back to the day she donned that kindergarten uniform that hung down so close to her ankles, the sleeves past her elbows… I want to go back to that day and say STOP! I’m going to send her to school next year… and then I will have one more year before I have to do this week…

Because it’s September… not December… and she’s done. Finished. Just like that…

And yes, I’m excited for the future ahead… but I can’t I stop and be sad for the end as well as excited for the beginning? And selfishly sad because I am sad on my own… as always… no other parent to share the moment and the loss… no family member to call and cry on the shoulder… or anyone else to attend her graduation… Just me…

That last part is hard… I’m not sure if it bothers her or not. This is us. Doing it on our own. And so the trend continues… but I want more for her than that… and I’m glad she will be surrounded by friends… but sad that I am shut out of so much these days…

I hate this week…

When I am gone, my dearest…

Will you notice when I’m gone?

The question has arisen again… Who will know if something happens to me?

The short answer is – my kids…

The long answer is – it depends on who they tell…

My kids are my next of kin. I have no interest in the rest of my family knowing what is happening in my life.

I hate the knowledge that they will tell their father probably first… Id rather he never knew :/

And if he tells anyone, it will be my family…

Which says a lot really… That they still think the other matters to me, even knowing that I don’t agree…

But I can’t guarantee they’ll tell anyone else…

So the short answer is… I don’t know… I don’t have an answer…

But I’d rather my friends knew… Not my family… And certainly not my ex.

Social media… manipulation…


Is it wrong to mess with people? Or is it particularly wrong because it amuses me? I do wonder at my sociopathic tendencies some days…

But the human mind is fascinating… and watching people follow the rules, walk to the left, stop at this sign and go through this door… We are told what to do to such an extent that we barely have to think anymore… It’s all rote…

So some days… it’s just FUN to play with social media and watch the fallout… and I can predict it 99% of the time!

I post a particular thing and know everyone will like it… then another and know there will be nothing… and then the ones that inspire the ‘quiet word’ via private messages…

I ‘like’ a pic or two on a guy’s wall and watch the wife/gf suddenly like half a dozen… Or I comment and watch her like everyone’s comment other than mine… and I remember back tot he days when gfs didn’t see me as a threat… When did my male friends all find such insecure other halves? Or when did the women become so damned insecure…

I have one friend who always has a harem desperately vying for his attention… always has… I dislike most of them – he loves the ego-centric, drama queens… and I struggle with their insecurities and neediness… So I make some remark, an innuendo… and watch them all panic and up the ante trying to win him back…

I post a pic with more than subtle innuendo and unwillingly and unwittingly, I am suddenly paying for my own amusement, as I find myself fending off the old, single guys on my friends list… Why do old guys think they have a chance with much younger women??? And… ewww!!!! You’re my dad’s age and I do NOT have daddy issues :/

But is it wrong… I suspect I should be kinder… but is it truly my fault if they are so damned stupid and easily manipulated??? And did I just type the classic identifier of a psychopath??? Sigh… I just truly love watching the masses follow the obvious path… watching the insecurities come to play… watching the rules being followed and the sheep herded… And… I even find it amusing when I catch myself doing it. We all react. We all respond. We all follow an expected path. And when we don’t… the masses like to quietly remind us that this is not who we are…

If you’re going to snoop…

I always told you kids I would never invade your privacy unless I was worried about you… and lately, you’ve been so odd… And I know you’re getting older… but this is different… not just the stress of school ending…

So I snooped….

I don’t know what I expected to find… Something to explain it…

I didn’t expect to find conversations about how much you hate hanging around me… That just ripped out my soul…

I think I thought I’d discover you were drinking on weekends at parties… I know you have at times… but I was expecting that maybe it was more frequent…

I didn’t expect to discover you’re seeing a guy… but that’s okay… he’s a nice kid and I get that telling your mum is kind of awkward…

But discovering you’re waiting until I fall asleep so you can sneak out with him??? Why???

Why does a teenage girl need to sneak out at night? And he took the bus here to meet you, so where exactly did you go?

And now what? Do I confront you with this so you become better at hiding what you’re up to? You’re technically an adult in a few short weeks… so do I try to control you until then? Or do I let it go and have no idea what you are up to and whether you are safe? And F$%# I hate that I have absolutely no-one to talk to this about… Someone else to shed some light and an opinion…

It’s not about trust as such… I trust you… but it is about your safety… and it is about a guy who would encourage you to sneak out after midnight and hang around the streets with him… and it is about the fact you feel the need to lie to me rather than tell me you are going out with friends…

And you did lie. You looked me right in the eye and told me you’d been to one of the girls watching a move… check, you did that… You looked me right in the eye and told me you hadn’t been drinking… check, you hadn’t been… and then you looked me right in the eye and told me you’d slept all day because you had stomach cramps and that’s why you’d cancelled on the family day we had shifted to Sunday because it suited you better…

So you lied… You looked me right in the eye and outright lied.

And when I told you… without even knowing you’d snuck out after you came home… when I told you that if I found out you were lying about where you were… you still looked me in the eye and said you were telling me the truth…

It’s still lying if you omit the part that you came home and then snuck out after I was asleep. It’s still lying if I think you are snuggled safe in your bed when you are actually roaming the streets with some guy…

I can’t do this parenting thing. I truly want a refund.