Finding me…

You don’t know how to find the blog… I’d forgotten I’d chosen this layout specifically… So you are working through the menu… Through my stories… Finding pieces of you amongst the ink… But you haven’t found here yet… 

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I do believe in faeries…

… but I don’t…

I’ve been trying to work out when I stopped believing… when I stopped believing in everything… God, the Universe, magic…

And when the anger set in… that intense, burning anger…

Because life just isn’t fair… I am exhausted on so many levels and I can’t seem to catch my breath on too many days… Not busy. I stopped the busy… but just the emotions… I can’t untangle those… I can’t pull the threads apart to examine… I can’t find the ends amongst the twists and the knots… and the turmoil within…

Every day is a new challenge. A new chip. Not even anything concrete. Just someone else needing something else from me. And I don’t have any more to give..

I can’t give the Knight what he needs… I’ve never been able to fill his goblet…

I don’t have the energy for my Princess who needs me so much… I find snippets of energy to give her… the scraps… but she deserves so much more…

I can’t seem to find the calm for my Dragon whose fire some days burns a little too hot…

And I just can’t go down this path again with my baby Wizard… I don’t have the energy to do it all again…

And I look at these amazing beings and there is no doubt of my love for them…. but the energy? That I lack…

I was a good kid. Truly. I slept well. A pain in the eating department. I rarely argued – until my last year of school at least… Although, when i did push the boundaries, I tended to do it in a huge way… But still…

I’ve laughed for years that at times it feels like I am paying penance for the sins of all my last lives, this one, and the next twenty… But lately… I’m not laughing so long and loud about this…

Because I know that I am blessed with these characters, and i know the love that we have for each other is strong and eternal… and i know I am blessed by the friends in my life, and by my life itself… the choices I have and the chances I am able to take… I know that I made those choices… and that my life is what I have made it…And I know that for the most part, it is amazing…

But then I have the flip side of that coin… when I uncover some baby spoons… when the dragon nests within my newly folded linen… when the phone rings with yet another meeting or discussion or child or friend in need… when I feel one more stone dislodged…

And then I feel that simmering anger… and I know when I stopped believing anymore… Because my life is good… but oh my god some days it just seems too hard for too long… and i can’t believe that there is any fairness in it all… because when all is said and done, I am the one trudging this path… still…. again… I am the one finding the hidden reserves of energy and positivity and strength… I am the one doing it all alone with no-one at all to talk to… no shoulder to lean on… no hand to hold…

And he is not. He. Is. Not.

Dear diary…

I’m not quite sure what’s brought me here this time… Why it all feels so pointless… I need sun, salt and sand… I’ll blame the weather… I’ll blame the conversations… I’ll blame the dreams… I need sunshine and warmth… I need sun on my face… Sand in my hair… Salt in the air… 


Cleaning the linen and storage cupboards… I found some baby spoons… And the tears prick my eyes… Why? I can’t form the phrases… There’s just too much turmoil of late…

And then… They’re playing hide and seek… And I’ve just finished sorting the towels…


And I’m so over it all… That I laugh… And laugh… Until the tears prick my eyes…

This is my works at the moment… Struggling for the laughs… That facade the world demands…

But I need sunshine and warmth… Salt and sand…

The child doesn’t listen to me… I get that it’s fun to play in the rain.. but seriously… The wind carried on so much last night, lifting and slamming the shade cloth back down again, that it eventually lifted the post out of the decking… I haven’t braved going downstairs yet to see under the decking… I’m just really hoping that the stilts this house is built on are still firmly stuck in the ground AND the house…

On a good note, the shade cloth stopped smashing and the house is no longer shuddering with every gust of wind… And I now know I am NOT strong enough to unhook the shade cloth in the middle of the night… but I do now know how to undo each anchor…

So woke to yet another window with water pouring down it, and a half soaked kitchen…

And it seems that’s water damage near the door… as well as copious water that just keeps pouring under no matter how many towels I use to mop it…

In the light of day… the post is now on the ground… the trees are all currently standing, but struggling to stay upright… the bbq is glistening without its cover…

and the tarp has blown off the boxes out the front and I’m sure I’ve lost another half dozen boxes of books 😥 amongst other things, but it’s the books that sadden me most…


Can’t get much more ‘coastal’ than on the side of a hill with ocean views… 

And then there’s my crazy child… the insane baby dragon who is convinced she is invincible… who insists on playing outside, under the gum tree we’re all waiting to come crashing down… it’s a damned huge tree, too… Battling a dragon… just what I need between mopping up water and praying the house doesn’t actually slide down the hill…

Well… the weather here is… delightful :/ I can feel the entire house shake every time the wind lifts the shad cloth and slams it back to earth… the house is basically built on stilts… on the side of a cliff… which has ‘landslide concerns’…

The kids are concerned the tree which has dropped large branches before, will finally take out my car… I’m more concerned for the bike – it isn’t insured…

And the eldest is doing a driving course in this??? Cyclonic winds… potential flash flooding… etc…

So what do we do when the weather is wild?

This image is deceptive – that box is at least a foot deep… and that’s not even close to half the Lego in this house…

I need to actually sort through the boxes and gather it all in one spot… If you ever decide to break into my house… heads up – the Lego is the most valuable item 😉 The kids know my weaknesses – Lego and books…

But I am feeling nostalgic in this weather… waiting for the house to finally slide down the hill… or the tree to finally take out the car, the bike or the house… It’s a very, very tall tree… with a lot of deadwood…

But my nostalgia…

I never really thought I’d have kids… not really… maybe one… but I’d planned to do it at least 10 years after I actually did…

Anyway… when my eldest two were young, I loved the idea of rainy Sunday afternoons spent playing board games, reading books, building Lego… but I didn’t choose the right father of my offspring for that – that was more his idea of hell… He’d play Monopoly under duress… I hate Monopoly. I thought perhaps that hate had developed as a result of that bad choice in sperm donor… but my board game buddies from Uni assure me that we always hated Monopoly – because Monopoly sucks…

So… I had crazy, romantic dreams of hanging around with my pre-teens and teens… baking goodies and snuggling in the warmth… I hadn’t ever planned to spend all the down time watching TV…. but that’s what he did and that’s what they choose to do… The moments of Lego are occasional… but the board games and reading seem to be more of a challenge…

So I am nostalgic… missing an existence I never actually had…