Ghost stories…

Dear Diary… I do like that start.. soothing…

My Baby Dragon likes ghost stories. When she was 2, one of her favourite movies was Phantom of the Opera – I blame the older siblings for the early exposure to creepy things. She’s loved all the Jurassic Park movies for years now. You wouldn’t think it if you met her – she’s reserved, quiet, sweet…

She’s become obsessed with one of those creepy games – Charlie Charlie. I don’t actually know the rules – they’re holding pencils and chanting the name over and over, with a question… The questions are innocuous enough… until I suddenly hear the odd one such as – did you kill your wife?… WTF?!?

Her little brother, my Wizard, is not quite so impressed… She was teasing him earlier about being scared… I told him he was smart to be scared – the whole thing creeped me out!

So… they’re home from school… We’ve had fun with ticks the last few days – thought the season has ended, but apparently there’s been a new surge.

I had dozed off… as you do when you’re a responsible parent…. The result of cutting caffeine out of my diet and suddenly flopping on my bed…

I was dozing… that in and out stage… when BD started chanting again… Charlie Charlie… It even sounds creepy! So, in my befuddled state of being, it all became too real… and I knew he was here… in my bedroom… I could sense him…

So I chanted his name back, telling him to leave. Charlie Charlie, leave my house… Over and over… I heard myself saying the words out loud… but it only partially worked… slowed him down.. so I kept saying it… and then I found myself levitating… spinning and tilting…. My eyes were open… I couldn’t see anyone, but I could feel myself floating and tilting… My mantra wasn’t working, so I started on the Lord’s Prayer… and discovered I’d forgotten a few words… but regardless… I fell back onto the bed and passed out…

I have goosebumps even now, writing this… Convinced someone is reading over my shoulder… No idea what they will do though… Perhaps know that if I chant the prayer again…. Our Father, who art in heaven… Hallowed be thy name…

Now to convince the invincible 9 year old to stop the game as it’s giving me nightmares…

What is it about you…

I’ve sat down so many times to write this to you… Not to you exactly, but on my blog… Not all of the posts are public after all… But I need a keyboard, and my laptop is again in the Apple Store… The keyboard on a phone just isn’t the same… There’s a melody and rhythm in tapping on a keyboard… Fingers splayed across the keys… Nails clicking as the letters arrange…

But I am minus the rhythm of the keyboard… And I am yet to find the rhythm of what i want to say… 

You haven’t answered my question… Have you found my blog? I’d assumed you hadn’t… That you were simply teasing… Perhaps arrogance on my part… Or stupidity… It didn’t occur to me that anyone would want to read it enough to put the effort into finding it… And even if they did, it didn’t occur to me they could find it… I mean… How would you? There’s no names used… The connection to my own is obscure… And any keywords are standard to thousands of other blogs… 

So I don’t know…

If you have, then so much of this would already make sense… But so much of it wouldn’t. Because if you read my blog as it is written, you have missed all the bits in between that make the sense of the story… And you’d need to know that whilst there is truth in every post, not every post is truth… 

And if you haven’t found it… Which my head keeps saying is the sensible option… Then none of it really matters…

But I’ve been trying to find the words… The words to write the post about you… But I’ve not yet found them. The moments I find, aren’t complete… And without the bits in between… 

I wanted to tell you what it is about you that makes you who you are in my mind… I wanted to tell you why I think you are amazing… I wanted to tell you all the small things I see that make up the whole…

But then I know you’ll run away again… 

And I don’t want to scare you…

Because when I write to someone… I am giving them a gift… A truth for them… 

Does any of that make sense? It sounds so arrogant when I write it…

So I wanted to somehow let you see yourself through my eyes… To show the beauty and the goodness I see…

But I can’t move the words into place…

You’re that ‘oh’ moment… There are so many pieces of you, and pulling them apart to describe each and every one… Is impossible…

And I know many of them are screwed up… we all have pieces that are damaged… But the scars just make for better stories…

But there are these crazily glistening parts of your heart that mesmerise me… For want of better words and phrases, and unfortunately far too cliched… But it’s a truth for you…

I’ve told you that you’ve given me far more than you realise… That no matter what else, I will always be grateful for that… And what can I say… You gave me faith… 

Being with you is easy… It’s the steady flow of the river… Basking in that warm sunlight… 

I have spent forever listening to the small things… To the mood of a house… To the subtleties… 

But with you… There’s simply serenity. The river. 

Yes, yes… You’re mocking now and downplaying it all… But I told you… I can’t find the words. There’s just too many that need to be said, and I can’t find the half dozen phrases to say it well. 

You gave me faith. And strength. 

I could give you three dozen examples, but they are only pieces. The simplest things. Truth is rarely found in the big moments. It’s in the thought that my arm might hurt, or the realisation that I need a hug when the chips are down and i haven’t even told you why… But it’s also in the refusal to pander to my insecurities – and whilst a part of me rails at that and just wants to be melodramatic and scream, the other part is so grateful you insist I find my own strength to work these issues out… And it’s in your acceptance of who and what I am – that I’ve never felt a need to try to be someone else for you… And it’s in the fact that when I’m with you, I’m not listening for small things… It’s in the steady flow of that river and the sunlight through the leaves…

And yes, I’m rambling… And yes, there’s too many cliches… But isn’t that exactly what life is? 

And I wanted you to know… That somedays, you suck. Seriously. It takes 3 seconds to respond to a text. Your world sucks, but you know, so does other people’s. Somedays, you want to lock yourself away, but who doesn’t feel that way? Your week sucked? So did mine. So some days, you just suck. Infuriatingly so…

But there are other days when all I see is the truth of this incredible heart within. You are an amazing person. You have so much love to give, and there are moments when that pours forth, even when you don’t realise. 

I give my heart and soul to the group of people in my life that I adore. They are my nest. My rock. And I will give them any part of the world I am able. 

I wanted to explain what you have given to me… But I still haven’t found the words… I wanted to show you YOU through my eyes, but I can only find cliches and ramblings… So I will give you this… I won’t walk away from you… Not unless you push awfully damned hard… Or asked… My friendships, real friendships, are forever. So I can give you that… 

Listening…

Some things are just too damned hard to hear…

Just off the phone from the teen boy’s counsellor… This is the child who doesn’t live with me. He currently isn’t returning my phone calls or texts, so not sure what is in his head this week…

I see photos from their childhood and I miss him… I miss his laughter… I miss his smiles… I miss his humour and his wit… the crazy bits of trivia and the odd things he was currently obsessed with… I miss his hugs…

The counsellor isn’t here for me of course… he is there for my son. Even that can be hard to take some days… because I want answers. I want a ‘fix it’. I want someone to tell me this is the path ahead, this is the path to take if this happens, and yes, you’re doing okay…

But my stomach is still churning from dreams in which I failed over and over as a parent… dreams in which I knew the truth… that I am doing everything so very, very wrong…

And then the phone call… just touching base… can’t really tell you much… but let’s discuss what you think and why you think that… and let’s not think about the behaviours, but focus on the break down of trust and safety between you and your son…

And perhaps I have simply spent my entire life hearing my faults, and so now I find them in everything other people say… but that is what I heard..

Trust… safety…

Why doesn’t he feel safe? Trust is a finicky thing… but safe? With me???

Let’s look at how I failed my child.. in a little more detail…

Now if you had stayed in the marriage… if you had stayed in the same town…

But *I* didn’t leave!

But I don’t say this… I’m tired of saying this… no-one actually hears anyway… But I’m sure he said – if you’d stayed in your marriage and were living with your son, at least a dozen times…

How can a counsellor have no idea of the impact of that phrase on a mother…. but then again, he’s not here for me..

You see, if I was a good mother and had stayed in a violent and destructive marriage with the guy whose anger was reach terrifying levels, then they could work this relationship between my son and I out much more easily. We could work on the issues between the parents first, you see, and then that would impact on the child…

Of course we could! If only I hadn’t left…

I’m tired of explaining. I’m tired of the doubt. I’m tired of hearing people tell me there’s always another side to the story… so what is his side? I’ll tell you his side – he’s a bastard. As simple as that. He’s a manipulative, controlling, self obsessed bastard. That’s his side. Although he may tell it differently… he’ll cry and tell you how I destroyed him… how I took away everything that mattered to him in this world… that I emasculated him for years… emotionally abusing him… destroying my children and him in my need to control… that my children hate me, but I manipulated the courts into thinking I was a nice person, so I have custody… but they’ll leave when they can… they’re just trying to cope with being with me in the meantime…

But it’s lies. It really is. And I know you won’t believe me though… he’s such a nice guy… one of those hard done by men you hear about all over the internet… worked his backside off just to provide a decent life for his family, with a wife who was a bitch and never satisfied… and then she took everything from him – his kids, the house, the car, his friends… and left him with nothing… a broken man… He’ll tell you this. And you’ll believe him… because that’s how he does it. He’s the nice bloke who just wants to do right by his family. That’s all that matters to him… But it’s lies. All lies. And no-one wants to believe me… because he’s such a nice, easy going guy… and I obviously have a brain, and a backbone…. so really.. if it was that bad… why didn’t I just leave…. but if you’ve ever been in this situation, you know the answer to that…. because everything I had was used in surviving, and in protecting my kids… and because I only refound that strength when I left… and because I put on this tough front, but the reality is I am anything but…

But I’ve digressed and rambled… because this was about my son… my crazy, amazing, mixed up son… and the fact that his counsellor has just spent 45 minutes on the phone confirming what I already know… that I suck as a mother. That my son is screwed up because I left  – the marriage breakdown, the upheaval, everything… and because I abandoned him… somehow… in his mind anyway… so he doesn’t feel safe or loved or that he can trust… So how do we rebuild that?

 

Dear diary… 

I made a smoothie…


Waaayyyyy too thick… And I meant to add honey… But it’s still a soul warming breakfast 🙂

Needed some ‘girl power’ kind of music on today, so P!nk is on Spotify… But it seems to be a collection of her heartbreak today, rather than her energy… I Don’t Believe You… But that still fits the mood…

Do you remember when the words ‘dear diary’ were all you needed to pour your heart out? To tell your best friend of your woes… and somehow… it could make even the impossible seem possible once more… I need that. I need that hug.

I woke this morning from dreams… nightmares… it seems every doubt in my mind found its way into my slumber last night… my stomach is still churning several hours later…

And later is a D-Day kind of thing for me… it’s finally happening… the end and the beginning… I’m yet to find someone who truly understands though… and i think it’s all hitting me finally… today…

 

The End

Me: Wow, life is good… The universe just keeps delivering what I need as I need it…

Universe (ears pricking up as it hears its name): What? Huh? Oh… I can fix that!

Wham! Bam! Slam!

Universe: So how’s that??

Me: …

So… from the Universe… to me… to you…


Screw. You. 

It’s funny how the universe just keeps delivering… Once you stop forcing it :p 

I find people come and go… A simple ebb and flow… And I’m enjoying the shifting sands…

There is a part of me that longs for some of the connections of my past… It’s such a deep yearning… But I let the memories slide, slipping through my fingers… 

Because my world is full… My days and nights filled with love… Threads weaving together… 

That is my zone most days… Simply living now and enjoying the amazingness life has to offer… A part of me misses the passion, but so much of me is simply enjoying peace for a while…

And I miss some of the people from my past with such passion… For such a long time, I was searching to replace those connections… Finding others to fill the gaps… But, of course, that’s not possible… And I’m okay with that… Because the people with me now create new threads to weave through my life… And whilst their colours are not always as vibrant, the sturdy fabric warms my soul… 

I don’t have the energy to be annoyed with people for too long anymore… Those that hurt me, deceive me, betray my trust… All that negativity seems to flow away so easily, too… Frayed threads… Some will mend… Some will simply taper off… Others will leave a snag… 

I am watching the fabric of my life weave around me… Twisting together threads that tangle through my fingers… Watching others entwine themselves… And the universe seems to constantly deliver the colour and texture I need each time… 

If I know you… And suspect you read this blog… I’ll almost certainly write a post or two about you… I suspect I already have 😉 But really, you should find the other two blogs I write… One of them would be much more fun than the games on this one…