You have none.
I write this blog to offload some of those dark thoughts that are trapped within my mind at times… this is not a statement of my everyday life. It seems that a couple of people may have stumbled across this blog… but here’s a few things you don’t realise.
I have several blogs. I have had them for years. I also have a diary. Unless you read all of them, plus follow all my social media, and talk to me regularly, you won’t have even the foggiest idea of what is going on in my head. You have a snippet when you read this.
I started this blog so I could write as though no-one was reading. If you are reading and commenting to me, then you have defeated the purpose.
I have dark moments because sometimes I am attacked on all sides. I allow those moments to become a part of me, because if I don’t, they will control me. People need to allow themselves to feel the emotions – all of them, not just the happy ones. This crazy modern notion that everyone has to be happy all the time… But I’m not. I have awesome days and I have terrible days. Sometimes, in the middle of a week where everything is going amazingly well, a terrible thing happens…. but that doesn’t mean the amazing things haven’t happened.
Again, I write the bad stuff down as a way of processing it.
I don’t think I need to see a shrink just because you see one. I don’t think I need to see a shrink just because you wouldn’t be able to cope with the things in my life that I have told you about. Those are your issues. I DO cope. I get up every single day and I laugh and chat and spend time with people.
And on that… sometimes, I like to be alone. I lock myself down and simply recharge my batteries. I go to the beach and feel the sand between my toes and the salt air in my nostrils… and the world is RIGHT again. I take my kids to the park or watch a movie or play a game… These are my ways to recharge. Some days, I need people around me so I seek them out. I am surrounded by so many gorgeous people and sometimes I forget that. But they are always there when I need them.
There has never been a moment in my life when I could not get through my day. When I thought I needed to end it. Not one. Not even for a second. I’ve wanted to run away – absolutely. I’ve wanted to climb under a rock and lock out the world. But I have never not functioned and I have never wanted to end my life. Let’s be very, very clear on that.
Yes, some parts of my life absolutely suck. Yes, somedays they overwhelm me. But they are DAYS. Actually, not even that. Because even amidst those days, I find joy in the other aspects.
I allow myself to feel the emotions, because that is all I need to get through it all. And that makes my life so much more amazing. And intense. I live every day and some days, I live several lifetimes… or so it seems.
But! I do not need help from a stranger simply because you would if you were me. Yes! A psych would offer assistance and yes, talking to a trained stranger would offer benefits… but I don’t NEED it… and at this point in time, I don’t WANT it. I have no interest… and anyone with half a brain knows, that seeking a counsellor when you’re not open to it, is a complete waste of resources.
And something else to consider in this mix. My health at the moment is rather erratic… My iron levels are incredibly low. My blood test showed whatever the medical term is, but my blood is not clotting as it should. So, I am insanely hormonal every couple of weeks or so…. because that inability to clot properly means everything is flowing far too freely… and too frequently… so I can’t keep those iron reserves up (I’m barely keeping them existing at all some days)… So yes, there are days I’m a little more emotional and a little more exhausted and a little less inclined to put up with nonsense and stupidity…
So… if you are one of those amazing, adorable friends who have stumbled across this blog… please butt out. Please don’t think you know anything about my mind simply because you read my ramblings on here. I adore you, and I want you to be a part of my life… but don’t ever think that I won’t shut you out if you push too hard xx