swim

And with that… I was done.

It takes me a long time to finally be done with someone… I give chance after chance after chance… and then one day, it will be the smallest thing. That final straw. And I am done.

 

Tired and hormonal… except I’m not.

I’m exhausted. That’s a given. I’m finding it hard to keep up with the needs of everyone around me at the moment, so I know I need some time out to regroup… but every time I think – next week…. there are more demands….

I love being there for my friends – I truly do. I love knowing they can share their woes and know that I’ll be there no matter what…

But I need a hug of my own sometimes. A real one. Someone to genuinely ask how I am and to stick around for the conversation. I’m tired of the perfunctory – how are you, or how did it go? And then they’re gone again before I’ve even finished replying… I know they love me. I know they care. I know they are busy. I know all of these things… because so am I… but I want one person to ask how I am and to actually listen…

Or maybe I just need sleep… because I’m back to managing only 2 hours at a time and maybe only 3-4 hours a night… on a good night. It’s been a crazy, emotional couple of weeks… I need a night for the memories and the dreams to stop… Yes, I definitely just need sleep… :p

I am far too tired and grumpy and emotional to write this post tonight.. Perhaps I will write it better in a few days… Perhaps not. 

It’s a hard few days. On so many levels. I’m exhausted with the emotional roller coaster and the physical drain. 

Tired and emotional…

But I’m grumpy too. Fed up. Hurt. There are people I chat to every day. People I listen to and support. But when I say to them – oh, the last few days have been exhausting… And I’ll try to offer a hint of a part of it… They don’t react at all. They simply go back to talking about their own lives and issues. I seem to have become so good at listening to them talk about themself, that they’ve completely forgotten how to even vaguely care about me… and I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus… Then the driver has come back for seconds… And thirds…

Feel like I’ve been dealt a few punches today… Still trying to catch my breath from the last one :/

FB. The dreaded friend/ unfriend thing. 

I’ve been culling. Massively culling. I’ve gone from over 400 at Xmas to 142 at the moment, and more still to go. 

I don’t have 142 friends. I don’t have any interest in the lives of 142 people. 

But I’d forgotten something important…

Other people do have that interest. 

So… I apparently hurt someone I was once friends with. I don’t even know her phone number anymore. We haven’t spoken in a couple of years. I have absolutely no real idea what happens in her life… And she has no idea what happens in mine. Other than the superficial FB lives of course… I’ve had her on ‘restricted’ since Xmas and she hadn’t said a word… Until I unfriended her… And she noticed immediately :/

Now, if someone unfriends me, I usually think – fair call… Unless it’s family – and then it’s usually the latest drama… But I have no family on FB anymore – I deleted them in the first cull 😉 

What I definitely don’t do, is contact them and rant about how hurt and devastated I am… How I didn’t think they were that kind of person… How they’re stunned I could think so little of them… Etc etc etc… 

The whole time, my conscience was saying – she was once a good friend, she’s a nice person, she’s one of those fragile types…. But the other 95% of me was thinking – I don’t see the pint of this conversation, I don’t need this negativity, we’re not friends anymore, I’m not here for your who… And… I just don’t care. 

But I listened to my conscience and tried to assuage the damaged ego. Several times. Finally saying – I can’t undo the past, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’ve sent you a friend request which you’ve refused… What else do you need? 

Okay… The last part may have negated the rest of the conversation… But I truly don’t care. We’re not friends. We no longer have things in common. I’m not interested in being friends. 

But… Maybe I could have timed it better… I’m visiting the small town where she (and so many of these other people I’ve unfriended) lives… :/

I’ve had a number of conversations of late about feelings… particularly about negative emotions… and particularly about the fact we’re not allowed to have any…

I seem to be constantly telling friends – let yourself be sad! You’re grieving! But I seem to be the only one. They’re bombarded with well meaning voices telling them to get over it, be happy, move on…

But you have to grieve. You have to work through the process. If you don’t, those emotions control you.

When my marriage fell apart, I’m the one who finally said the words. And I’m the one who refused to change my mind. He went around the town sobbing to anyone who would listen. He rang my family and friends. I remember sitting in our lounge room and every device in the house just kept ringing. That was the day I learned you could make a phone call through FB… That was the day I first shut down almost all of my social media.

What everyone saw was a guy, broken, desperately trying to get his family back together… and i was the bitch who just wouldn’t listen to anyone. One friend kept saying to me – okay, you’ve made your point, he’s sorry… now take him back.

They didn’t care about any of the reasons I gave. Umm, he has a girlfriend! Surely that would work.. no. We all know men have needs, he doesn’t love her…. Hmm… Ah, he’s unbalanced and keeps threatening and harassing us… That will stop though if you take him back – he’s told you this!… Okay, so I’m meant to be bullied and threatened into taking him back, and I’m meant to want this person in my life, in my children’s life, and I’m not meant to be terrified of him?… You’re being silly, listen to me, he’s sorry, he wants you back, you’re doing this to yourself you know…

So… he was allowed to grieve… he was allowed to turn up to my workplace sobbing… he was allowed to physically pin me to my car in the main street and scream abuse at me… he was allowed to have his ‘needs’… he was allowed to do anything he wanted… because I’m the one who said the words. I said ‘I want a divorce’. And since then, he’s still constantly forgiven for everything he does, because I destroyed his world and broke him.

Firstly… no I didn’t. He was doing all these things and more long before we broke up. He was leaving. He had already taken a job in another state and only planned to visit the kids every 2-3 months for a couple of days. He’d already made that choice, but he didn’t want to be the bad person, so I said the words…

And as a result, I wasn’t allowed to grieve. The second I showed any unhappiness, the wolves pounced. I was obviously doubting. I was obviously regretting.

Because we’re not allowed to have negative emotions… But I WAS grieving. I was grieving the loss of the ideal. The plans you make for a future. The ideas you have and the choice you’ve made. I still had to grieve for all those things. The loss of the life and the lifestyle. The hurt in my children’s eyes because mummy and daddy just can’t get along and they’re always in the middle of it. All those things…

And I see friends going through crap and they are told the same thing. Move on. Get going. You need to get over this. Smile. Why are you sad? You must be depressed… you need to see someone.. get medication.

And this takes away from the reality and seriousness of true mental health issues – but that is another story…

So why are we so terrified of feeling anymore? Why can’t we simply allow ourselves to grieve?

I was talking to a friend this morning who is going through a divorce. Only a few weeks. He’s doubting, he’s unsure, he’s feeling isolated and he’s constantly told to be happy… after all, he wanted this… There’s no mention of the psychological abuse everyone knew his wife has inflicted for years… He said the words.

Or the friend whose husband recently walked out the front door to go to work and never arrived… They found him 3 days later, miles from home on a drinking binge. Hospitalised for a week. Now going through the very long process of medication and therapy for suicidal thoughts and depression. His company is bust… she’s left to sort out the finance, clean up the warehouse, and close the business down… They have three young children…but he’s not coping with life himself, so that’s hers to focus on as well. The house. She was on maternity leave… but now they need an income, because his company is bust and he’s currently unable to work, for who knows how long…. She walking on eggshells wondering what’s inside his head. He’s trying to function at all. Her entire world has turned upside down. Her entire future has changed. But he’s back now, and he’s fine so move on… There’s no time to grieve for the life they had planned. There’s no time to be selfishly sad and angry and to shake your fist at the universe…

There are so many stories… big and small… but the theme is consistent. Move on. Be happy. Smile.

The media took a spin with the smile thing earlier this year. Telling a woman to smile is sexist… and I get that. You’re beautiful when you smile – I like you better when you smile – I tried an experiment when this was actually in the headlines. I posted a series of selfies (I don’t often have me in my profile pic) to gauge the reaction, and every single time, there was a comment on my appearance – smile, being the most prolific. But ‘smile’ also exhausts you when you just don’t want to. Because today is crap. This week is crap. Right now, it feels like this whole damned life is crap and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just don’t want to smile… Oh, then you must need medication!

No. Sometimes, you just need to be sad. To work your way through the grieving process. To rant and to roar and to cry. Because when you finish that, then your smile will be genuine.

** And obviously, clinical depression is a very different thing to grieving and feeling sad.

leunig

If you thought my last post was about you… it was. But… it wasn’t about only you… and I still adore each and every one of you… I just won’t be writing about my life here anymore… well, not the things I need to get off my chest, anyway. I’ll post only happy, positive thoughts for you. All is well in the world – no need to stress it 😉

To the gorgeous people in my life who think they have any idea…

You have none.

I write this blog to offload some of those dark thoughts that are trapped within my mind at times… this is not a statement of my everyday life. It seems that a couple of people may have stumbled across this blog… but here’s a few things you don’t realise.

I have several blogs. I have had them for years. I also have a diary. Unless you read all of them, plus follow all my social media, and talk to me regularly, you won’t have even the foggiest idea of what is going on in my head. You have a snippet when you read this.

I started this blog so I could write as though no-one was reading. If you are reading and commenting to me, then you have defeated the purpose.

I have dark moments because sometimes I am attacked on all sides. I allow those moments to become a part of me, because if I don’t, they will control me. People need to allow themselves to feel the emotions – all of them, not just the happy ones. This crazy modern notion that everyone has to be happy all the time… But I’m not. I have awesome days and I have terrible days. Sometimes, in the middle of a week where everything is going amazingly well, a terrible thing happens…. but that doesn’t mean the amazing things haven’t happened.

Again, I write the bad stuff down as a way of processing it.

I don’t think I need to see a shrink just because you see one. I don’t think I need to see a shrink just because you wouldn’t be able to cope with the things in my life that I have told you about. Those are your issues. I DO cope. I get up every single day and I laugh and chat and spend time with people.

And on that… sometimes, I like to be alone. I lock myself down and simply recharge my batteries. I go to the beach and feel the sand between my toes and the salt air in my nostrils… and the world is RIGHT again. I take my kids to the park or watch a movie or play a game… These are my ways to recharge. Some days, I need people around me so I seek them out. I am surrounded by so many gorgeous people and sometimes I forget that. But they are always there when I need them.

There has never been a moment in my life when I could not get through my day. When I thought I needed to end it. Not one. Not even for a second. I’ve wanted to run away – absolutely. I’ve wanted to climb under a rock and lock out the world. But I have never not functioned and I have never wanted to end my life. Let’s be very, very clear on that.

Yes, some parts of my life absolutely suck. Yes, somedays they overwhelm me. But they are DAYS. Actually, not even that. Because even amidst those days, I find joy in the other aspects.

I allow myself to feel the emotions, because that is all I need to get through it all. And that makes my life so much more amazing. And intense. I live every day and some days, I live several lifetimes… or so it seems.

But! I do not need help from a stranger simply because you would if you were me. Yes! A psych would offer assistance and yes, talking to a trained stranger would offer benefits… but I don’t NEED it… and at this point in time, I don’t WANT it. I have no interest… and anyone with half a brain knows, that seeking a counsellor when you’re not open to it, is a complete waste of resources.

And something else to consider in this mix. My health at the moment is rather erratic… My iron levels are incredibly low. My blood test showed whatever the medical term is, but my blood is not clotting as it should. So, I am insanely hormonal every couple of weeks or so…. because that inability to clot properly means everything is flowing far too freely… and too frequently… so I can’t keep those iron reserves up (I’m barely keeping them existing at all some days)… So yes, there are days I’m a little more emotional and a little more exhausted and a little less inclined to put up with nonsense and stupidity…

So… if you are one of those amazing, adorable friends who have stumbled across this blog… please butt out. Please don’t think you know anything about my mind simply because you read my ramblings on here. I adore you, and I want you to be a part of my life… but don’t ever think that I won’t shut you out if you push too hard xx