One year on… There are so many thoughts spinning through my head… So many words trying to settle into some order… A description… A memory… Something…

I feel like I should be able to sit down and write a reflection. A cathartic outpouring of the last year without you. 

But instead, the words swirl…

And what I realise is they can’t settle… Because I still don’t believe you are gone.. Not really…

You see… I can’t delete your number because I know you will call one day soon… And I want to know it is you! And I can’t unfriended you on FB, even though you never used it, even though I set the account up and I’m the only person who should know the password… But I’ve forgotten it… And I can’t escape the thousands of memories as I go through life and I walk through my home… I still pick the phone up to call and ask for that recipe… I can’t finish that quilt because you were teaching me how… 

And I can’t seem to explain to people hoe it feels to lose your best friend… That it’s different for me… It’s not the same as you… Your best friend was different to mine… Because mine…

And I am angry still… Angry at you because you should be here… You could have prevented this… You could have fought harder… Angry that you took it so well… Because you weren’t the one left behind… And angry at the world because they just don’t understand how it feels to not have you here… They don’t have that hole… And angry that you were the one person always there when I needed you… The only person who just was…

But, of course… Mostly… I am hurt and I am lost… Because I can’t just pick up the phone and I can’t just knock on your door… And I can’t find the words to explain how much it hurts… And I am waiting… Waiting to wake up and find its not real… To somehow unravel this mess… Because there is just no way you are not part of my world anymore…

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