Mother love…

Lying in bed this morning, trying to convince myself I needed to get up… the kids hadn’t bothered me…. no real plans for the day….

My phone rang… My mother…

It’s been a while… and I like it that way… I’ve come to the point this year where I’m happy to just not hear from any of them…

But… it’s her birthday on Wednesday and Christmas on Friday… and I really don’t have the right to stop them from seeing my children…

So, I decided to answer and have any harsh words said today, rather than on Wednesday or Friday.

Me: Hey. What’s wrong? (because she only calls with bad news)

Her: I was going to come and visit…

Me: What? Today?!? Oh…

Her: Yes, are you busy?

Me: (thinking of a million and one possible excuses… but deciding to be noble) Um, no… just going to the markets, but that’s not important…

Her: Oh… I thought you’d be busy… You’re always busy…

Me: No, no… we’re about…

Her: Well… it will be 10 before I even get there so the day is already half over (it is??)… So maybe I’ll come over in the New Year…

Me: Sure thing…

Her: I thought you’d be busy… You’re always busy…

Me: Yes, you said…

So! I am happy because I rose above my own desires and opened the door a crack… and she is happy because she can tell everyone she tried… Win-win!

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My kids are tough… They have me as their mumma after all :p 

I hadn’t actually thought about that til just now… Thinking about them dealing with their grief. They’ve been through so much… But they’re tough. They’ll get through this and so much more…

And then I thought – they learn it from me… To soldier on no matter how damned hard it gets. To never break. To stumble only if the burden is exceptionally heavy or  a load is added unexpectedly… But to never, ever fall…

A friend asked me recently how I’ve gotten through everything in my life and not cracked. And I say what I’ve always said – I refuse to… Because for me, that is my answer. I won’t break. 

So this is the lessons I teach my children. Don’t break. Don’t crumble. Don’t ever drop the ball…

But is this the right lesson? Really… To shoulder the load and to take a moment to feel, but then to tuck those emotions under the coat and continue…. 

Because tomorrow they will wake… And they will tuck their grief inside… Although it’s the end of the year and they are tired and emotional… So perhaps a crack may show… But for the most part, ‘my kids are resilient’… I have said this so many times… And I want that resilience, but I think I’ve missed the balance somewhere… And I think my kids have, too…

Friendships…

I have just over a dozen people I would call close friends and I know I am blessed…. Truly blessed… and most of the time, I believe this and know it to be true…

But then there are the times when I am not so certain… because my friendships are awesome when all I ask for is the occasional catch up… with me doing the transit… and me listening to the dramas….

Last week, I was sick. Coincidentally, I was speaking to a few people that morning, and I mentioned to each of them that I was sick… that I couldn’t stand without crashing into walls… and yet, someone had to get the kids organised for school… someone had to drive them and collect them and take them to birthday parties, etc in the afternoon… Not one person checked if I was okay throughout the day. Not one has checked since. They still tell me their dramas or joys… but no-one checks on me….

Yes, I am in a self pitying mode… but it’s also true. I don’t expect anything from people… so is it habit that they just don’t offer or check… or is it that they just don’t want to know…

So, I am still sick. It’s a medical condition I have been ignoring. The medicine is no longer working, and so, I need surgery… So perhaps, for those who know, this is why they don’t want to acknowledge it… because to have surgery, someone has to look after the kids for a few days… and I don’t have any friends who will actually do that :p

So instead, my life is majorly affected every few weeks as I spiral into nausea, dizziness and migraines… The kids suffer my irrational moods as I try to function through it for the week or so it lasts… All of my energy goes into staying upright, and occasionally into staying conscious… but hey… I’m just feeling sorry for myself, right?

I just keep counting down the days… 4034….

It must be so hard…

Yet another person said yesterday – it must be hard being a single mum, despite your tough front…

And I find myself tongue tied trying to find the words to explain…

It’s not what you think… It’s not the ‘stuff’….

The daily routine doesn’t bother me. I’ve always done that. If anything, it’s easier now that I don’t have to watch their every move, now that I’m not working two jobs… The ‘stuff’ is easy. 

Don’t get me wrong! It would be wonderful for someone else to cook dinner or read a bedtime story, to fight them to have a shower and clean their teeth. Someone else to help me to split in three and give each what they need. And yes, to somehow split into that fourth and give the other child what he needs… But that’s a whole other story and need…

But it’s not the stuff. Not really. 

It’s someone to talk to after an exhausting day. Those days when they fight constantly. When I can’t seem to ever say the right words. When I have my own dramas. When I’m just so damned exhausted. 

It’s someone to give a hug and offer calming words when Miss 9 is melting down day after day because she is over tired and everybody hates her…

It’s someone to calm Master 7 when he’s hyped and desperately needing the soothing bass of a male voice in the house…

It’s someone to sympathies with Miss 16 when mum is being a cow and we just can’t see eye to eye…

It’s a shoulder to sob into that Master 14 hates me and won’t speak to me…

It’s someone who gets it… Because they also have a vested interest in these children. 

Co-parenting rather than counter parenting…

It’s also knowing that Miss 16 doesn’t think all males suck because her father and brother do… That they’re not all aggressive and self absorbed…

It’s knowing that Master 14 isn’t trapped within his head trying to be the ‘man’ his father wants and demands…

It’s not seeing Miss 9 burst into tears daily because she ‘misses her daddy’…

It’s not listening to Master 7 spout sexist and racist comments, and lash out in anger and frustration, as he emulates the only real role models he’s ever known…

It’s not the ‘stuff’….

Hail on a flat tin roof…

and I miss you…

but my brain flits, and now I miss a different you…

and I think of all the yous that have disappeared and I wonder..

Do I really miss you? Or am I missing the memory of who I thought you were? The illusion I created. The person I desperately wanted you to be…

Do you miss me? Or am I too just an illusion I created?

I meet new people, but I am tired of forming new friendships… forging connections… creating illusions…

Thunder and lightening… and I miss you…

We had a date, did you forget?

Coffee date this morning… But it seems he forgot. It’s been a few hours since last night, I suppose…

He was meant to text when he knew a definite time. It’s 1pm now… I’m not one to let people get away with such poor manners, so I messaged him: 

Hey ____. Assume you must be caught up today as I haven’t heard from you and I collect the kids from school in an hour…

Reply: Sorry. Hectic morning at work and can’t get away. Are you free tomorrow?

Okay, he at least led with the apology… But I had to message before he bothered??

I’m getting married?

My American soldier in Syria… He snuck through the vetting process… His profile said he lived in Oz, so I replied… and quickly discovered he is in Syria… fighting ‘the Isis’… and he’s from America…

I get a lot of these, and I just delete them… If for no other reason than that I don’t support the situation… but mainly, because it’s a scam of some sort…

But I’d already engaged in the conversation, so I’ve been curious. What exactly IS this scam??

So, he’s already told me he’s looking for a nice girl like me to marry…. That was after the initial – ‘hi, how are you?’s… He’s asked his CO for leave as he wants to be here before Christmas so we can get married this year and then he can relocate to Oz. I haven’t the heart to tell him that Australian laws don’t quite work that easily…

Today he told me he is hungry. It was 11 PM in Syria – no food as he’s already eaten his allowance for the month… It’s the 2nd… All his money goes back to his account in America, so he has to wait til next month for food… I didn’t have the heart (again) to tell him he probably won’t make the end of the month….

He told me the children are starving and I can help. I told him that we have donation agencies here and I’ll be sure to find one…

Then he went back to telling me how he’s spoken to his CO and the leave should be approved soon. He can’t wait to move here. I’m not sure how he will be paying for his flight of course… and realistically, he probably won’t have the strength for the journey given his lack of food…

Perhaps I should be irate at the American government for allowing their troops to starve?

So, I suppose the online dating world has proved fruitful after all – I’m getting married? Or am I? He hasn’t actually asked me… just told me he’s looking for a nice girl like me to marry, that he’s taking leave so he can come to Oz and settle here, and get married… Maybe it’s not me he’s marrying… but someone ‘like’ me!