Today has been hard… and perhaps it is simply that I am sick and I am tired so it’s all just getting to me a little more… but right now, this is one of the lowest moments I’ve had in the last two weeks…

And I can’t pinpoint why. I don’t think he’s cut since Saturday. The mental health team finally rang today to confirm meetings for two weeks time. So in theory…

But it’s exhausting. He blocked me on FB. It seems to be the week for it – another friend did the same the other day because apparently I offended him (it was a misunderstanding… but he hasn’t unblocked me yet….). My son has blocked me on purpose. Because he hates me. Because it bothers me. Because he can.

He has spent the evening wired… too much exercise? He mowed the lawn for money – took almost two hours. Went for a walk to the shop to spend it on sugar though… But still, that’s the longest he’s been out of the house since he got here…

Then he came home and started on his siblings. Niggling… then full on abuse… I hate them… they should F*&^ off… I wish they’d die… often just said at them… and still they follow him… because he has always been this angry, and even though they don’t like when he is angry, they still love him and want to spend time with him…

And it wears me out…

So I tell him to stop or I will take the Internet away… his gadgets… and he tells me then he’ll stab me while I sleep… and even though I don’t think he will… there’s that part of me that wonders – is today the day that he does finally snap? Because those gadgets are his outlet and his sanity… but there is nothing else to take away… no other punishment… and there is no reasoning because he hates me so he won’t listen….

and I am sick – although apparently no-one cares and they all just wish I’d hurry up and die so they can all be happy finally…

And yes, I know he is hurting and angry and that he is lashing out wanting to hurt the world as much as he is… but I am hurting too… and some days, quite selfishly, it feel that I am not allowed to do that… that the focus is 100% on this completely messed up teenager… and I do get that… but can’t I just be sad too? Can’t I be over it? Can’t someone just send me that hug and that shoulder to cry on? Because it’s such a long, long journey ahead….

But this is just self pity… because I am blessed to have amazing people in my life who do check in with me every now and then and make sure I’m okay… but still… sometimes that just seems so long ago and so far away…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s