I make all my best decisions with a few glasses under my belt… I’m sure of it! So with a couple more under my belt tonight, I’ve decided the path of an alcoholic is in my future…

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I need to write this before I completely sober up… Write these thoughts before I no longs want to consign them to pixels..

It still hurts you know. Even though I knew it. Having it confirmed still hurts. 

Guilt. The reason the world turns I’m sure. But I think lies help it along too. So can’t we temper the first with the second?

Guilt over my path. Guilt so you couldn’t walk away. Obligation. Guilt. 

Lies would have been nice…

And for me. Some insane strength I seem to keep finding to make those hard decisions. To let you leave. To let you off the hook. There is no obligation on your part. This story is my own. You can’t take parts of it and make them yours. 

But letting you go has been the hardest part of my life. Still… You could have lied…

  
Of course he has to hurt them… 

The little kids have been feeding them (yes, I know they shouldn’t… Yes, they sneak the seed for the bunnies to them every time my back is turned). One of the birds will eat out of their hands. Another is coming close. They’re fascinated 🙂 five showed up this morning. 

And of course the teen had to hurt them… Not just scare them away… Actually hurt them. 

A skewer, a rubber band and a balloon forms a dart gun. I’m sure this is a well known fact amongst many, but I’ve never seen one… 

It hit the bird in the tail. He was upset he didn’t ‘get a head shot’…

Yes… I know…

And part of me reasons that this is a farm kid thing. This is the life he knows. There are so many kids who are the same in that world. His dad is the same. His dad tells stories such as the time he and his friend held the chooks heads underwater to see whose ones lasted longer before dying… His dad tells so many stories that horrify me. 

I didn’t grow up in a world like that. I don’t understand the mentality of pig dogging. I don’t understand lining the rabbit up in your headlights and aiming for it. I don’t understand shooting day old pups and foals because you can just tell they’ll be no good for work. I don’t understand shooting a work dog in the field because it didn’t do what you told it to. 

That world sickens me. Always has. I didn’t realise it existed until I was in the middle of it… And even then I hadn’t realised how bad it was until we were driving long drives each day last year… After we’d escaped… Listening to your kids tell stories in the back of the car… You learn so much just listening… And my heart broke over and over again for the world they had seen… How could I have not known they had seen those things??? I think I just wasn’t listening….

And here is my teen. Wanting to hurt, maim and kill. Wanting to tell his dad. His dad who will laugh at the story. His dad he needs to impress. 

50 Things I’ve Learned In The Year Since My Best Friend Died

lolamyers1. People say, “Tomorrow is not guaranteed” for a reason. 2. People will tell you to “be strong.” Being strong doesn’t mean keeping a stiff upper lip. Being strong means finding a reason to keep going. Find your reasons. 3. You have to find the humor in it yourself, nobody can do that for you.…

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jessica-seburn/2015/10/50-things-ive-learned-in-the-year-since-my-best-friend-died/
This says so much of it so well… Those moments… Especially when you least expect it… I still can’t delete her from my media or phone… And there are still days I pick up that phone and start to call… And really, I don’t know that I ever want that day to come when I finally just stop… 

I am writing several days after the event. I need to stop the self pity. The moping is doing my own head in and i know people are not wanting my company at the moment.

Sunday. It had all just gone too far. Too much. I had a friend fly in on Saturday and spend the day and night. She’s known my kids forever. And yet, my teen just…

What exactly? What did he do… I don’t have the words to explain it. I am so exhausted by it all… that self pity again…

He decided his 7 year old brother is a great side kick. That was the final straw for me. Seeing my youngest trying so hard to impress his big brother. Being rude, defiant… everything they could to upset and hurt…

But Sunday… Sunday my teen decided to run away… and take his little brother with him.

He’d answer the phone just to laugh at me… mocking… calling me names and telling me they weren’t coming home… they’d die first…

I drove around trying to find them. I saw them at one point. I was on a busy road and couldn’t stop. They saw me and ran. Up the stairs and into the bushland.

And that was the kicker. My 7 year old running too. My 7 year old swearing at me and calling me names. Refusing to come back. The 7 year old who gives the best cuddles and can’t bear being away from me for too long… He ran away too. He just needed to impress that big brother.

So that was the straw that broke my back.

Do you know that police don’t answer their phones on a Sunday? Apparently, it really was an emergency and I should have called…. but in the moment, I just kept calling all the stations that were kind of nearby…

Finally, I called their father and he managed to get hold of them. Told them to come home. And they did…

But I was done. Finally. I insisted he get his stuff and get in the car. That he was going back to his father’s or anywhere else. Anywhere but here.

I’m sure that this was the wrong action in the eyes of the experts and the amazing parents. But taking my 7 year old down that dark, destructive path he has chosen… that was my straw.

The phone call with his father lasted for over an hour. I have no idea what was said. I imagine the fear of having his son with him convinced him to pull out all the stops though. I’m pretty sure the girlfriend gave him an ‘it’s him or me’ speech… because my son eventually came back in, in tears, and begged my forgiveness. Acknowledged he has been an arsehole. Please let me stay mum…

And I caved again. And I am waiting for the next outburst.

We’ve just been to gymnastics and he started again – ignoring me, encouraging his brother to ignore me too… misbehaving… breaking the rules… because it’s fun….

He turned 14 on Tuesday. His first appointment with the mental health team is on Monday (finally!). And the road is long… and I am already exhausted…

The start to my morning:

Me: Morning kids!

Child 1, 3 and 4: Morning mumma – followed by loads of cuddles and giggles and stressing about getting out of the door to school on time…

Child 2: Sometimes I just want to stab you in the stomach, or in the kidney, and just watch you in pain while you die…. (insert superlatives and loads of venom)

Today has been hard… and perhaps it is simply that I am sick and I am tired so it’s all just getting to me a little more… but right now, this is one of the lowest moments I’ve had in the last two weeks…

And I can’t pinpoint why. I don’t think he’s cut since Saturday. The mental health team finally rang today to confirm meetings for two weeks time. So in theory…

But it’s exhausting. He blocked me on FB. It seems to be the week for it – another friend did the same the other day because apparently I offended him (it was a misunderstanding… but he hasn’t unblocked me yet….). My son has blocked me on purpose. Because he hates me. Because it bothers me. Because he can.

He has spent the evening wired… too much exercise? He mowed the lawn for money – took almost two hours. Went for a walk to the shop to spend it on sugar though… But still, that’s the longest he’s been out of the house since he got here…

Then he came home and started on his siblings. Niggling… then full on abuse… I hate them… they should F*&^ off… I wish they’d die… often just said at them… and still they follow him… because he has always been this angry, and even though they don’t like when he is angry, they still love him and want to spend time with him…

And it wears me out…

So I tell him to stop or I will take the Internet away… his gadgets… and he tells me then he’ll stab me while I sleep… and even though I don’t think he will… there’s that part of me that wonders – is today the day that he does finally snap? Because those gadgets are his outlet and his sanity… but there is nothing else to take away… no other punishment… and there is no reasoning because he hates me so he won’t listen….

and I am sick – although apparently no-one cares and they all just wish I’d hurry up and die so they can all be happy finally…

And yes, I know he is hurting and angry and that he is lashing out wanting to hurt the world as much as he is… but I am hurting too… and some days, quite selfishly, it feel that I am not allowed to do that… that the focus is 100% on this completely messed up teenager… and I do get that… but can’t I just be sad too? Can’t I be over it? Can’t someone just send me that hug and that shoulder to cry on? Because it’s such a long, long journey ahead….

But this is just self pity… because I am blessed to have amazing people in my life who do check in with me every now and then and make sure I’m okay… but still… sometimes that just seems so long ago and so far away…