The double edged sword of a friend who is ‘truly happy for you’…

No, really I am…

At what point do you just give up and let them go? I still haven’t quite mastered the art of walking away… Although I think this is the last one in my stash of relationships…

That friend who is always unhappy. Who complains about the same issues 24/7. Who can never seem to actually make the moves to change the situation. Then, out of the blue, rants at you because you are criticising her life… cannot see that she does nothing but complain about how unhappy these situations make her…

So when you have good news to share… she’s not the first person you want to tell… in fact, she’s not someone you want to tell at all… because she chips away at it… finds negatives that don’t actually exist… reminds you she is only looking out for you… but if you really want to follow that path, which is clearly bad for you, then she is truly happy for you….

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Alone again… naturally….

Another conversation with Miss 16… This time, something on TV, that made her comment on doing things alone… and the conversation progressed…

I told her about driving over 2 hours each way to see a specialist to have an amniocentesis – alone… probably the time in my life when I have felt so utterly alone and bereft…

But then again, talking to a friend recently about divorce – a few drinks under our belts – and I realised how passionate I became… talking about how people just don’t get it… how even when you set aside the personal side of the split, the actual split is so damned hard. People don’t get that. It’s not possible to truly understand it until you’ve lived it. Perhaps being in a country town made things worse. The judgment. Blatant condemnation. The constant need to tell me I was making a mistake… not considering the children… having a midlife crisis… early menopause… that I must be having an affair… that I needed to listen to their advice, and to heed it. The looks. The whispers. The in your face comments. Family. Friends. A knowing look between friends over dinner. Family distraught over the destruction of my seemingly perfect life. On and on…

Until you shut out the world just that little bit more. Because you just can’t take one more person who truly means well….

But all these conversations have made me realise, that I have hit a point in my life, when it would be nice… just simply nice… to have someone on my side. All the time. Even when they don’t agree with me. Just to be on my side. To tell me – hey, I don’t agree with you, don’t think you are making the right decision here, but hey, I’m on your side, so what can I do to help?

First child asked me today why I have so much difficulty letting go of relationships… I wait til they are dead… Til they have hurt me over and over and only anger, regret and disdain are left…

She’s right of course. Nothing quite like being accurately psychoanalysed by the 16 year old…

Why do I take so long? I don’t really know… I just keep holding out hope I think… Clinging to those memories of what it used to be… What it could be again…

And it’s not like I’m doing the chasing here. I just don’t walk away. Even when they are chipping away. Even when they are draining my energy. Even when I can see the damage they are doing. The clear path of destruction they are following. 

I still cling to tgat memory of what it was and what it could be again…

Sometimes, you just need to sell your soul for the people you love… You need to out your own needs on hold, stop, and consider what they need right now… Because their needs are greater than yours at this point… 

So you stop… Take a deep breath… And jump back into the game…

I started this as a catharsis… to tell my stories… just once… and to let them go…

And yet I find myself still bound by an invisible audience that matters… ears that I do not want to hear my tales… ears that are not here… but there is that fear… that maybe someone will stumble across this one day (yes, the odds are against this)… but maybe they will, and maybe they will be saddened or they will be hurt… because they will hear the stories no-one has ever heard… or they will see themselves reflected through my eyes and confront the truth… or they will just simply not want to know… will not want to hear truths as they were…

So I ask you now… I will only ask it once… go… go now and do not read these stories and memories… because if you do, you will find memories there you do not want to hear… you will find a part of me you do not want to know… because I need to tell these stories… I need the truth to be spoken…. so I can let them go….