I don’t want to care about anyone anymore, because I am quite tired of losing them. I truly am. Because, at the end of the day, we know they always leave. So yes, I will push you away. I would rather lose you now, when I am already hurting, than prolong the agony. Because, honestly… truly… I don’t think I can keep losing the people I love the most….

Too many areas of my life have simply been put on hold… still…. even with all the changes and all the drama and opposition to those changes…. even then…. there is still too much that is put on hold. Too much waiting for others. Too much stagnation. Too much… and I cannot live my life this way… waiting for others… waiting for… I don’t now… but waiting…. waiting to not die… to have the chance ‘later’….

ss

I missed you in my bed last night… our bed. Our room. Our pillow.

It’s been weeks since you slept in your own bed, and I’m glad that you have found whatever you needed to stay there. I’m glad that part of you silenced for the night and let you sleep and dream. Gave you peace.

But I missed the tangle of your limbs in mine. Your fingers twisting through my hair. The startled wakening as your big toe grinds into mine. The morning cuddles and the midnight burrows.

I am glad you have found some peace again, at least for one night… but I missed you…

He’s 13. Don’t take it personally. He’s a kid trying to be a man… and really has no idea how to do it… or a decent role model to show him.

Yes, you reached out to him. No, he didn’t take the hand you offered.

He’s 13.

His brain is a mess. He’s so angry at the world and so incredibly confused. He doesn’t want anyone in his citadel. He wants to wreak havoc on the world beyond his walls. He wants it to burn and suffer – the way he is. He wants everyone to hurt the way he does.

He’s 13.

He doesn’t know how to handle it all and won’t let anyone help him.

So please stop making the drama about you. He didn’t take your hand. He didn’t take mine either. I don’t have the energy to fix your ego. I’m too busy fixing my son’s heart.

Some days…

Some days, I just want to post screenshots on my social media, of all the abusive messages. I want to upload recordings of the abuse screeched at me when the kids have him on speaker phone. I want the world to know that he really is NOT the charming guy they see. He is not all the things he tells them that he is – the great dad who just wants to see his kids but I won’t let him… I want them to know that he chose to keep moving further away, that he chooses to not see them on his time off, that he uses me as an excuse, that he has always always always put himself and his own needs first… I want them to know that the charming, easy going, happy go lucky guy they see is a sham – the guy we know and fear is none of those things…. I want everyone to just know and to not just believe the lies that are spun….

Some days I want that… but I know it doesn’t solve anything… and I know it simply brings me to his level… and I know that when I engage in the carry on, it continues – it feeds his need…

But oh… some days….