Those days…. weeks…. possibly lifetimes :p when everyone is sensitive to what you say… so it must be you, yes? You must be a little more sarcastic than usual, or a little more blunt… After all, honesty hurts. Or perhaps it’s simply that sometimes, juggling everyone else’s sensitivities is just too damned difficult. Sometimes, you just want to be you. The real you. The you that is grumpy and tired and thinks that sometimes, other people are too damned precious. Or the real you that is not so sure of herself and would just occasionally like to be receiving the ego boosts and the compliments, rather than always being the one to give the.
But really, we all know it is me. It is me who is in the wrong. Always. I have been since I can remember. My role is to fix people. To boost their egos. To tell them how incredible they are. To remind them of their strengths and awesomeness as they doubt themselves… and doubt themselves… and doubt themselves. To fix their broken relationships and their broken careers. To point them towards the right path. To reassure and reinforce and re whatever else they need. Over and over and over….
And, once spent, my role is to hide quietly under a rock for a week or two until I have the energy to do it all again.
But my role is never to be unhappy or unsure. To never need that boost myself. Ever. Because, when I dare to be sad or tired or grumpy or unsure, I am very quickly reminded that I am in the wrong. That I am at fault. And even then, even when I say – I need you to be nice. I need you to tell me you love me. I need you to tell me I am a worthwhile person. Even then… I am in the wrong, and that is not forthcoming. That is not my role after all. Or theirs. Mine is to fix everyone, never to actually be fixed.