I am spent…

I don’t understand people – like, I really don’t understand them… I know this is a cliche…

I gave someone close to me a present – an awesome present in fact. Something i knew they would absolutely love. Cost a lot of money – which I knew would make them feel a bit uncomfortable – but figured the awesomeness of the gift, and the fact they are actually family, would negate the discomfort…..

Bzzzzzz!!!!!!

Wrong….

So, the present arrived in the mail today apparently… and did not cause excitement…. It caused angst. Great deals of angst in fact. Enormous levels.

Text messages – numerous – why would you send this? why wouldn’t you keep it? I don’t understand…

I explained…. because I knew you would love it.

More angst – no… I don’t want it… I’ll send it back…. it’s made me realise what a terrible person I am and how bad my life is…

Me… ok… if you really don’t want it… it was meant with the best intentions… it wasn’t meant to make you feel bad…

Angst again… don’t worry about it! I’ll keep it! FFs… or find someone who wants it… or sell it… or just throw it away…. Don’t worry, I’ll sort it…

Then the FB posts started…. they are broken… people can go to hell…. start treating people as they treat me… Does this mean I’ll get an awesome birthday present in a few weeks? – maybe not the right response….

I know they are in a mess. I know they are hurting and confused and angry and and and…. but…. I am exhausted by it. It’s why I haven’t spoken to them in ages. They can’t see it. refuse to help them self. It’s everyone else at fault. And now, my gift has caused grief, and, I imagine, the story will have changed to make me the demon who purposely set out to hurt and cause despair….

So I don’t understand people. I don’t understand the people who take and take and take… I understand the need to retreat. I understand wariness of people. I understand self preservation when it comes to those close to us. But I don’t understand people who attack when I try to be there. Or who shut me out completely but expect me to always respond when they elect to converse. I am simply spent. I am struggling to find the energy for people who only want a relationship on their own terms and in their own time.

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